Life Catchup

I was writing a private response to Julie on Facebook and it blossomed out, so I'm going to put a lot of it here as a blog entry.

First of all I do have to apologise to everyone for going so quiet over the past few months.  Life had gotten very hectic and stressful both at work and at home.

At work I was offered acting higher duties at a small branch while the branch manager went on leave.  As it was a small branch I was required to fulfil the needs of my substantive role at the same time.  What I didn't know is that the small branch was a very toxic environment where most of the staff have fine-tuned the art of treading carefully so as to not upset two clerks. One of these women was physically aggressive and abusive to other staff.  The other was insidious and spread lies around the town and played people off against the other.  Unfortunately, although they worked with my people, these women were not employed by my organisation so I had no way of enforcing any internal disciplinary action. 

Needless to say these women tried their tricks on me and I stood up to them and the world exploded.  This was when I had discovered they had been doing this for over ten years together and the manager has fine-tuned the art of soothing them down.  All staff walked on eggshells around these two. I wrote reports documenting the issues and providing short, medium and long term recommendations. I counselled other staff and generally spent all of my emotional and mental energies on shielding the "good" staff from these two nasties. I also attempted to get the good staff cycled to another branch for 6-12 months so they could get out of the toxic environment and see what life at work could be.

You do not need to puke in the car park every morning before walking into work. Yes some of the good staff had been doing this.

And I was also conducting and reporting on ad hoc issues such as how wifi access impacts on minors in the library and are ebooks relevant to our library. Most of this work and my normal work was done at home because I spent all my "work time" energies focusing on the interpersonal issues of the branch.

During this time Stephen and I moved house. That in itself was a very stressful event with removalists cancelling on us the day before the move, the packers ruining half my glassware and most of the contents of the pantry - as well as frames on pictures and stitched stuff.

I had rented a little two bedroom place for the cats and I.  Due to the problems with the removalists a lot more of Stephen's goods and chattels ended up at my place than expected. Due to circumstances outside of his control (work permits, visas etc) Stephen and his stuff were "crowding" my space for six weeks after move.  Stephen still had no income and I was still feeding both of us, providing petrol for the cars etc etc.  I don't begrudge doing this, as it was not Stephen's fault that he was still here. He had done his bit to get a new job and a new life, he was just in a holding pattern until  the bureaucracy caught up.

Not being able to unpack my stuff, having too many boxes everywhere, not being able to have any significant time on my own or find what I wanted when I wanted was adding to my stress levels. And I wont even mention the storm damage that had water flowing over the light fitting in the second bedroom Stephen was using at the time.

Whenever I mentioned these frustrations it just seemed all I was being told in returned was "kick him out - tell him to go". Due to the circumstances that was not an option I wanted to do. It was not his fault he was still here.  So I stopped talking to people. I cut myself off from my support network. I stopped stitching, I stopped meditating, I stopped exercising, I stopped eating healthily.

Current situation: I am alone, but not lonely. I have two beautiful cats and I am spending some time setting my house up the way I had envisioned it seven weeks earlier.

I am however, the fattest/heaviest I have ever been in my life. I owe more debt than I ever wanted to in my life. I enjoy elements of my job, but not all, nor do I think I am a good fit for the current organisation. Now that I've finished my 5-week acting higher duties stint I was pulled off all projects and not allowed to talk to staff at the small branch. I am soo worried about the good staff and so annoyed that I can't get to finish the other projects. What was the outcome? Were any of my recommendations implemented? If not, why not? Were the reports any good? Was there something I missed?  I need feedback damnit!

So where to from here.  (and finally we are at the bit where I was writing to Julie).

I've decided I'm spending the next 18 months shedding.  Shedding weight, shedding debt and shedding unwanted physical items.  By Christmas 2011 I should be ready to move back to Melbourne.

I've applied for a job with one of the Unis and I will continue to apply because I am happier working in an office environment than one where I'm face-to-face with the public all day.  I'm happier working full-time than part-time and I'm happier paying my debts off. I find owing money to friends and family very stressful.

I'm not happy with my weight and general levels of fitness. I'm embarrassed that I can't walk up four flights of stairs (at local State Library) without winding myself so badly that I can't talk for five minutes and people start asking if I need an ambulance (true story). I shed nearly 30 kilos a few years back and I've now put all of that back on plus more.  I find I'm getting a lot of the health issues I was getting last time I was this fat. Bladder issues and the like. I have the largest size work uniform shirt and it doesn't fit :(  I need to lose weight for health and self-esteem issues.

I'm too embarrassed to go to the work gym because only the fit people from work go there and well its just not a place I feel comfortable enough in - see above self esteem issues.  So I'm going to acquire a new wii and wii fit program and board. I was using Stephen's earlier this year and they really helped!  I was doing half hour before work and over an hour on days I didn't work. However his system was packed when we moved and I haven;t done anything for a few months.  I found the wii fit system worked for me and I got the endorphin boost from it.  I tried the "boot camp" at the actual gym at work with the other fatties and it was too intensive for me and I struggled and struggled but never got the endorphin release. I never felt comfortable with what I was doing.  So its the wii fit for now, and when I've shed a few kilos and gained some toning and condition I will try boot camp or its ilk again.

Now that I can set my house up, and there's only one human, I'm feeling more interested in cooking again. Its easier to move around the kitchen so I can keep it clean, find my pots and pans and make meals more easily.  Too many meals lately have been junk food because I just didn't feel up to "tackling" the kitchen and neither did Stephen.  I feel more inspired to cook now because I don't have that self-imposed nagging voice in my head saying "but what if he doesn't like it?"  And I *know* that's a carry-over from my husband all those years ago. The emotional baggage we carry around ?? 

The lesson I learned from the move over here, is to plan it next time and move less stuff.  So apart form replacing essentials (wii for fitness, PC for sanity) I wont be making any major purchases over the next two years.  I will be moving what I can of my book collection to eformat and most of my furniture will be staying here after I leave. The money I save in transport costs will easily allow me to purchase cheap replacement furniture when I'm back in Melbourne.

I'm also looking through my hobby stuff and jettisoning a lot of it.  I still have a lot of fabric, beads etc from my SCA days. I wont be going back into the SCA. It simply doesn't interest me anymore. I don't do much machine sewing these days, so I can jettison the fabric stash.  I haven't made soap in years so I can remove most of those supplies and just leave a few favourite moulds and scents to make a batch a year if interested.

I'm even planning on going through my cross stitch stash and giving away or selling any chart/kit that I realistically wont be stitching in the next few years. I will go through my threads and fabrics and anything I don't have a dedicated use for will be similarly given away or sold. 

I'm spending too much time and money fretting about and storing my stuff, and not enough enjoyment in actually using it.

I have two years in this little house before the owners move back. I plan on having a quiet couple of years restoring my equilibrium. And to do that, I need to be happy with what I am doing, how I feel physically, emotionally and financially and to surround myself with things that make me smile.

So this is the two year plan.

Of course by writing this I know full well that something is going to upset the applecart again - but I can hope for a peaceful tranquil couple of years getting myself sorted out.