Things Mel Discovered This Week

Things Mel discovered this week:

Sitting down
   (I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning)
Closing my eyes while sitting down
   (like a whirlpool, it never ends)*
Opening my eyes while sitting down
   (Wham - migraine)
Standing up
   (Vertigo is not just the name of a Hitchcock movie)
Bending over
   (how to pass out without alcohol)

Sleeping
   (the knock-me-out drugs are out of my system)
Sleeping in a single bed
   (I forgot how many bits of me could hurt at once)
Sleeping in a single bed with my ample body
   (there is very little room)
Sleeping in a single bed bed with my ample body and a determined geriatric cat
   (did I mention the lack of room - or is this related to the sore body parts)
Sleeping in a single bed with my ample body and a determined geriatric cat and a determined elderly cat discussing dominance issues
   (perhaps sleeping is the wrong word)
Sleeping in a single bed with my ample body and a determined geriatric cat and a determined elderly cat discussing dominance issues on my body
   (oh fer crying out loud!) **

Are there too many ads on daytime TV?
   (don't bother answering that)
Are there too many insurance ads on daytime TV?
   (and why are the same ones played incessantly at strange times of the day)
Are there too many types of insurance ads on day time TV?
   (and do they all need to use scare tactics to sell their product)
Is it healthy for me as an ill person, temporarily home bound, to see an ad for funeral plans every five minutes?
   (my DVD collection arrives in 4 days!!!!)***

All however is not lost. I only spent one day reduced to relying on daytime-TV for pain/disorientation distraction. Yesterday mum and I went for a walk and bought some plants for the garden. I was quite worn out by the trip, but it was an improvement.  I was even gracious enough to encourage mum to buy the marigolds she was favouring instead of the carnivorous plants I was lusting after.

For an hour today I could not only follow a conversation, I could add meaningful suggestions and help make plans before the fog of pain and disorientation descended.

Its going to be a long journey, but it seems that we're heading in the right direction and that the encouraging bit.



*apologies to Vic Reeves
**  at this point I should mention that Abby, being the sensible young cat she is, avoids all of this, by sleeping on mum's Queen-sized (heated) water-bed each night, stretched out in luxury!
*** for those who comment about why I have the TV on in the first place, for the above mentioned vertigo/dizziness I cannot read for long periods of time and for noise-related issues I cannot listen to audio books or music - hopefully all of this will soon change

We're heeeeere!

Well the last week has been a blur, but we are all here, back in NSW and settled in.

The garage sale went OK. I was very disappointed in the book side of the sale, but a friend bought the best pieces of my fabric stash so her payment will help with the medical bills (when the money comes in).

We ended up bringing more boxes of stuff over than expected, we had a packer who's girlfriend had dumped him the night before and two movers who had to come down from the nearby  RAAF base - so there were a few complications, and extra costs .. but we are here now.

The cats survived the trip quite well and are settling in fine.  We lost Abby for quite a few hours yesterday.  It was a cold, wet, drizzly, dreary day yesterday. We opened the back door a little in the morning and she vanished.  We didn't even see her go out.  Every time we were outside, we called and called. We thought we heard her a few times, but we couldn't see her.  Eventually we crawled under the house, and up the manhole into the ceiling (two of her favourite haunts). Finally around dusk I saw her come out from a niche under mum's bed.  Mum has a water bed so Abby had curled up in the warmest part of the house.

Trubs is doing OK - a bit stiff but again is just curling up on mum's bed to sleep, or under the heater in the lounge room.

There have been a couple of territory issues with Hemingway, but Hems is such a laid back cat that there's no cat fights, and barely any hissing.

We have the first specialist appointment next Tuesday. So just a relaxing weekend planned until then ....

So what else is happening in the world?  What did I miss?

Big News

For those that don't already know ...

I'm leaving WA and moving home (NSW) in the next couple of weeks.  I've handed in my resignation at work and advised my Real Estate Property manager and am in the process of feebly de-cluttering before mum arrives to help me pack.

The migraines have gotten worse again this year and I just cannot get any medical help from WA specialists. THe endocrinologist says I need to speak to the neurologist.  The neurologist says "I diagnosed you last year, if you're not getting better, then you're not taking the pills I prescribed".  The neurosurgeon will see me in June after my scheduled MRI scan and no we can't bring that forward.

Also no other neuro specialist in Perth will see me, because I am listed as a patient of the above three.  Apparently second opinions are an anathema to specialists in Perth. The low point came when I found out I didn't even have a GP as she had moved on from the clinic and no-one would tell me where she went.

Weeks later and many fights later, I have a new GP and written referrals to specialists in Sydney and Canberra.  Both sets of specialists have asked for more information and copies of my scans.  The Canberra neurologist has booked me in for an appointment on 29 March.

The Sydney suite of specialists have my history, reports and scans and will let me know when they've reviewed my case.

So, packing and moving.  I wont have a job, and frankly I don't have the health to apply for a job anymore, so I'm moving in with mum and living off her for a few months until we get this medical stuff with my head sorted out. 

Not the most triumphal return from the wilds of WA, but unfortunately a necessary move.

2010 - It's finally over!

The Ugly

• Discovered I have a non-cancerous brain tumor.  I have called him George.
• Also acquired a debilitating migraine. I call him Bruce, because he alternates as Bruce the mild-mannered headache and The Hulk Migraine that smashes everything in its way. He has been with me continually since the last week of March.
  

The Bad

• When I moved into my little home here Stephen was supposed to couch surf for a few days. That extended into a couple of months.
• Discovered Trubs has kidney disease as well as debilitating arthritis
• Continuation of crap newbie supervisor who panicked every time I breathed.

The Good
Mostly this centres around reduction or abatement of the above.

• Changed supervisor to an experienced person who has earned my respect and respects me and my work
  
• Trubs health is being managed and we are back to talking hopefully years instead of weeks
• Due to meds, stress reduction and long periods of time on my own, the migraine is more often Bruce and less often The Hulk

Hobbies?
In the stitching world, well that all came to a screaming halt due to stress and migraine. So very very little stitching got accomplished this year.  The good news is that I have started again and am halfway through Kay's RR and it should go off to Sisu within the week.  As well as mostly regaining my eyesight to stitch, I've also regained my enthusiasm for it so hopefully 2011 will be better.


2011?

• I know that with my health and work situation in 2010 I did not keep up with my commitments, I whinged too much and I lost friends.
• I hope to be a better person and a better friend to others in 2011.
  

Life Update

OK here's all the info that was left out of the last update ...

After each design was finished the words "and then the migraine got bad again" should be inserted :(

I tried stitching a gorgeous little design for Claire's birthday on 40ct linen and discovered that I could not see the holes.  I literally could not see where to put the needle :(  I figure the migraine is affecting my eyesight - or the tumor has enlarged and is now pressing on my optic nerve (it was a bare 1mm away from it at the last MRI) - or I'm just too tired from work - or my eyesight is going ..... or all of the above.  At this stage I'm looking to outsource this project and see if I can find someone else to stitch it up for me as I think Claire would love it!

I stopped stitching for quite a few weeks in between projects, wishing my eyes would stop hurting and the migraine would settle down.  Then I realised that my stitching is part of my meditation and relaxation program. I need to stitch to ease the migraine. 

In between each of the canvas work pieces I keep trying to stitch on Kay's RR but my eyes give out after half an hour and then they hurt for the rest of the day.  I'll give it another couple of weeks and hope that my eyes settle down otherwise I may have to send it on unstitched :(

Kay and Sisu - let me know how long I can keep Kay's piece before you need it sent on regardless of what I have or have not managed to stitch on it - please? I don't want to put anyone else's stitching rotation out. The next rotation after this isn't sent out until 1 February.

In other news, I won a door prize at the Arelate Designs booth at the October Online Needlework Show and I treated myself to a couple of small Passione Ricamo designs and some Lilipoints designs at Colours Down Under Friday night (they were ordered back in April).  The rest of my tax refund went straight into the bills fund.

The good news is that although I've had a few setbacks, the bills are on track to be completely paid off by October 2011.  The next bill is my personal loan, which should be paid off by February, the last bill bill being the $5000 I owe Debbie for helping move Stephen and my goods & chattels to Perth.

Unfortunately the big plans for losing weight and de-cluttering my life have been derailed - but its all a journey.  I figure its like juggling, you get one ball moving well and then add a second ball, when you have them down quite confidently you add a third ball.  And then you drop them all, pick them up and start again.

the big issue that seems to be knocking everything over is the migraine.  It was supposed to be history now, but it is still here. Stress at work is not helping and both my supervisor and I are at a loss at to what to do about it.

I'm running a state-wide training course in social media and online tools for public libraries in Western Australia.  Course is here if anyone is interested ... If you have any constructive criticism, please let me know!

I'm paid to work 3 days per week. During that time I'm expected to run this course (which NSW State Library said took 8 people full-time, other State Libraries had similar manpower), plus all the cataloguing for my library, plus cleaning up the library database plus everything else I used to do that filled my time.

So I'm working 60-70 hour weeks and being paid 27 hours, The rest is supposedly being accrued as TOIL (Time off in Lieu) but all requests for taking that time have been denied until at least the first of February.

We wont mention that my base wage of 27 hours does not cover my expenses (I regularly eat only one main meal a day).

My supervisor is trying to deflect the heat from inside the organisation because I'm not managing to get everything done.  Meanwhile I spend hours a day (on my days off) helping library managers and workers in my library and other libraries playing advocate, mentor, encouragement, support system etc.  You know all the things currently being denied to myself and my supervisor {sigh}

So yeah a little stress. A little draining.  Any and all advice gratefully received. It's driving my supervisor mental seeing me through this and not being able to help.  And it hurts me to see the amount of flack she is taking - she doesn't deserve that!  So yeah, any thoughts (legal ones please - I'm not allowed to physically hurt the other managers in my organisation) let me know ;)

Catharsis - I haz it!

Late last week I was asked by a work colleague if I had any craft items I didn't want.  Her mum is going to East Timor on Tuesday as a volunteer to help  Kirsty Gusmao with her Aloha Foundation.  I asked what type of craft items and was told that although these women had originally been concentrating on making and selling their traditional crafts, many want to now branch out and learn new skills.

So on Friday morning, I opened 13 sealed boxes (many of which have been sealed through many moves) and I gave away two packing boxes of materials - lots of old braid and ribbons and trimmings, and my entire bead collection from my SCA days, plus a pile of Aida I had lying around, around 100 skeins of Anchor I had won on eBay a while ago, some needles and full set of Cross Stitch Magic and the kits contained within.

Most of the cross stitch stuff was items I don't use (except maybe the Anchor - but I was feeling generous and they can be replaced). However, the big AHA moment for me was the SCA stuff. I'd been lugging it around year after year. I didn't even look in my bead carriers, I just threw them in the boxes without backward glance.  All the braids and trimmings were items I dislike or had bought for projects I had (once upon a time) planned to make for people who are no longer in my life.

I looked through every one of those 13 boxes and found things I didn't know I had, and a heap of things I was happy to move on. Anything I hesitated over I kept and will go through again at a later date. 

I feel so liberated and free from that stuff. I have had an occasional twinge about maybe I should have looked through the bead carriers, but you know - if there were things in there I needed, I would have found them by now, or I can find a replacement.

I felt such joy in sending these items on as:

• I don't need them, I don't want them
• They are going somewhere where they can do some good and be appreciated by the recipients
• In a small way I'm helping others have a better life

And you can't get better than that!

Another whiny rant :)

The Good
A couple of weeks ago I was asked to run a Web 2.0 course for all library staff before the end of the year. Most other States in Australia ran these courses back in 2007,  But not Western Australia. So my work has decided to go it alone and gave me eight hours to put a program together.

I looked at what other placed had done, field-stripped their courses and assembled a 10 week package of Web 2.0 Basics with the really fun stuff to follow in a subsequent course next year. With the assistance of Mark (the eservices coordinator aka web guy at my work) it went live two days later.

You can see it here at: http://swanlibraries.blogspot.com/  If you are interested feel free to play along - you just wont be eligible for the prizes :)

I also sent a report to the State-wide Public Library eServices Working Committee explaining what we're doing, why we are doing it, why we are doing it this way, when we are doing it, a link to the course itself and a explanations of our measurements for success.

The PLWA committee rang me Friday afternoon and asked if I would allow them to copy my work and send out it State-wide in two weeks time.  Some negotiations were had with my managementwitht e result that Mark will be will be opening up our course state-wide tomorrow and I will alter the content appropriately on Wednesday.  I've also been asked if I would be a consultant to a couple of state-wide committees.

Which will all look good on the resume.  Especially as all of this has been in my own part-time work hours and around my usual work.  With a migraine.

The Bad
I have named my migraine Bruce in honour of Bruce Banner, Unfortunately Bruce has been getting too agitated lately* and has turned into the Hulk for the last couple of weeks. So I've been working with the lights off at work, wearing sunglasses and wincing every time someone laughs,  I also average 5 hours a week out with the customers.

I'm back to having broken sleep because the pain wakes me after an hour or so. The other morning I fled to work within 15 mins of walking up because the next door neighbours had their bathroom exhaust fan on, and the sound was making me scream. My short-term memory is so shot I can't tell you what I had for breakfast without looking at the utensils in the sink (and its only 8:31am here). In short its as bad as it has ever been.  My doc has also been off work ill so I can't get in to see her for another fortnight to change the medications I'm on.

I know that stress is a trigger or at least an amplifier for the migraine, and I've recently established that caffeine is another trigger**. I would still have expected the medications to be countering these negative influences, not have the whole mess spiral back into what it was earlier in the year.

The Ugly
Trubs has been diagnosed with kidney disease.  I had to fight the vets every inch of the way to get them to test for it, but yes it came back positive. I'm taking her in this week for the associated blood test to see how advanced it is.  Either way kidney disease is not curable or reversible so we are talking quality of life from here on in.

When I let loose on the vets for not agreeing to perform the tests earlier, they said they didn't like to perform kidney function tests because most people, on hearing the results, put their pets down. Well geez you fuckwits, if you administered the tests earlier maybe other responsible owners would have the knowledge to help their pets before it became too advanced!  Apparently not. Apparently treatments are considered too expensive and too traumatic for the owners so 99% to opt to euthanize their pets immediately.

Treatment seems to consist of changing Trubs to a low protein, low phosphorus diet and taking a pill every day.  From what I understand this reduces pressure on the kidney and reduce the build-up of toxins int he blood, dementia, glaucoma etc.  I say "from what I understand" because I've done all of this research on my own. The Vets haven't treated any cats with kidney disease because of the afore-mentioned immediate euthanizing.  They do have a dog patient who has had kidney disease for seven years and is now dying of cancer, but no cats.

So I'm also looking for a different veterinarian clinic, one with a bit more understanding of these specialist needs ... or perhaps its another case where the locals think differently than I do.


So to sum up ... I'm frustrated!

• I'm frustrated that I live in a State where all major decisions get briefly discussed a s a good idea or passed over once every eight-week meeting and then they pounce when someone actually does something. God forbid anyone local should actually use initiative.
• I'm frustrated that my work management are finding so many ways to capitalise on the work I'm doing, but they wont pay me an extra hours to actually do it well.
• I'm frustrated that my ex-supervisor is speaking to HR about all the tiniest facets of all the other parts of my job that I'm not getting to, in an effort to get me performance-managed out of the organisation,
• I am frustrated that my health is deteriorating and I don't know how to stop it.
• I'm frustrated that Trubs is dying and I don't know what I can do to make her pain less. I don't know what to do to give her good palliative care.

I just don't know what to do and right now I am not finding any support/advice in the areas I need it.

And I swear to God, if the next-door neighbour doesn't finish whipper-snipping soon - I'm going after him with an axe!

If the Police ask, this blog post doesn't exist :)



* maybe something to do with trying to run a state-wide training course, an internal training course, setting up two other training courses for next next month, all the cataloguing, setting guidelines for good cataloguing practice, training complete novices into the art of good cataloguing and completely re-writing the 200 page work manual for all facets of work in the library pending our software change in November - all in 20 hours per week.

** I don't drink caffeine regularly so this came as a bit of a surprise. I have the rare iced coffee milk or Coke about one every couple of months, so this one was actually hard to pin down.

Some days it doesn't pay to bite through the restraints

After a few months of migraine-induced depression and apathy I finally decided recently to get my act together.

• I have created a budget that will see me debt free by end of October 2011.
• I am controlling my eating habits rather than cravings controlling me
• I am actively looking for ways to get fit that wont worsen the migraine
• I've decided to de-clutter physically and electronically
  

Exercise:
Anything that gets the blood pumping makes the migraine explode. For days.  So does any music with a good beat, And sunlight,

I'm walking around the property for 30-40 mins whenever I'm home around dusk on the theory that something is better than nothing. If anyone has other suggestions, please let me know. This inability to do anything physical is frustrating the hell out of me.

De-cluttering:
I work best by setting myself small goals and measuring progress. Setting down a series of steps/milestones and then focusing on achieving them.  I have no idea how to do this over the next 12 months because the de-cluttering is such a massive undertaking,

So decided to start at my desk. A while ago Stephen and I set up Evernote to keep electronic clutter at bay; and turn paper clutter into electronic files. I finally get around to setting up the docking station so very kindly supplied for my new laptop and discover it don't fit :)  My fault for not providing the model number to my kind benefactor (or attempting to use it before now).

Oh well I have found the installation/driver discs for all of my peripherals (printers, scanner, camera etc).  After four and half very frustrating hours, I discover none of them will work with a 64x machine running Windows 7.

After downloading driver updates, viewing microsoft help pages, Canon support pages and various forums I have discovered that although Canon are slowly updating the software for their older machines to run on Windows 7, they are not planning on updating them for use in a 64x machine.

So I have documents waiting to be scanned and photos of my stitching waiting to be downloaded and I have to show for 4.5 hours today is a mounting sense of frustration and a full-blown migraine,

And now its time to get dressed and head to work for the afternoon.

I wanted to send out a happy "progress is being made" post today, and pics of my stitching but instead all I feel is mounting sense of uselessness and frustration at myself.

Health Update

Well after two weeks of blood tests, I had the MRI this morning and saw the endocrinologist this afternoon.

The upshot of all of this is that I have a large sack of fluid (growth/tumor/cyst) growing on my pituitary gland. It is quite large and has distorted my pituitary gland all out of shape. However the gland is apparently still working quite well so if there were no headaches the endocrinologist would recommend leaving everything alone and checking on it in a year's time.

Unfortunately the headaches are real and ever-present.  So the endocrinologist is sending me to a neurosurgeon for a his opinion on whether surgery will actually alleviate the headaches. I see him next Tuesday afternoon.

I've also been referred to a neurologist to see whether the headaches are caused by Benign intracranial hypertension (BICH). I see him on the 10 June.

So at this present point in time, I've spent a lot of money, been in a lot of pain and we have a much bigger list of things I don't have ...

Its a process.  It will be fixed.  It will happen.

The Things we do ....

For brunch this morning I am having sardines on toast and a raspberry and lime tisane.

Why sardines? In an effort to get Trubs to eat more. She's fine, her eyes are bright, her coat is healthy, the vets can find nothing wrong with her. She's just very very skinny and doesn't eat much.  I worry about her skinniness. One thing that never fails is to give her some of what I'm eating.  So four slices of sardines on toast.  Two bits of toast* sacrificed in an effort to get Trubs to eat the sardines mashed on top of them.  She ate one topping of sardines, so that's progress.

I am also out of my favourite flavoured black teas. So its onto my stock of herbal tisanes.  Anyone know a good place in Perth to get good flavoured teas?  I need a Rose Grey and a Raspberry Black...

Now to shower, housework and then possibly even a stitching blog - because I have been stitching!  Yes for more than one day too!


* Gluten-free toast - aka slightly oversized crouton.

OK I give up

Have been slowly working a new stitching project this month as my headaches allow.

Yesterday I had a very relaxing day and stitched on and off almost doubling the size of the stitched area. Discovered late last night I had made an error right back at the beginning of that morning.

Its a symmetrical sampler motif design so yes it needed frogging and restitching.

This afternoon I undertook the mammoth task of frogging the whole area I had stitched yesterday.

Tonight I have attempted to get past the mistake site eight times. EIGHT TIMES I had to frog it again.

I don't know what it is but my brain with these headaches just cannot deal with counting to four.

So I've frogged it one last time and put that project away.  I'll come back to it after I don't need headache painkillers!

Tomorrow night I'll pull out a different project and see if I can work on it instead.

Self Indulgent

This is a blog post I was not planning on writing. Well not for a few months until recovery was underway anyway.  However I was discussing the issue with a work colleague today and I came over all dizzy, clammy, pale and thought I was going to faint. All classic shock reactions. So I guess I'm not handling the news as well as I thought. So I figure I'd better talk about it a bit until I can discuss it without going into shock.

So there's the self indulgent bit. I'm writing this for me, not you :)

I have a brain tumor.

Its benign. Its non-cancerous. I will not die from this.

My pituitary gland has done a The Blob impersonation in that it is enlarged and pressing on the other brain bits around it. It apparently is also making a beeline for my optic nerve.

So as my doctor says, its not really bad news, but its not really good news either.

I've had migraine-level headaches for nearly four weeks. I've had one pain-free day this month. I can't take codeine so all of the really good painkillers are not available to me.  The doctor does have me on a cocktail of paracetamol, naprogesic and tramadol to keep the pain down to a level where I can actually function.

I see a specialist on 22 July. Apparently if we determine which hormone is being over-produced and go onto hormone-restricting medication, the pituitary gland should reduce back to normal size and everything will be fine.

However my doctor admits this is beyond her, so we need to see a specialist before beginning treatment. So its pain management until late July unless the specialist gets a break in his schedule before then.  The specialist underwent surgery himself yesterday, so he's not seeing *any* patients for at least the next four weeks.

So I am tired. And I'm down. I think I need to apply spoon theory to my happiness.  There's only so much I can fake each day and most of that is used up at work.

So there, now you know. and now I've got to go and make dinner so I can have proper food in my stomach so I can take the next round of painkillers.

Life Catchup

I was writing a private response to Julie on Facebook and it blossomed out, so I'm going to put a lot of it here as a blog entry.

First of all I do have to apologise to everyone for going so quiet over the past few months.  Life had gotten very hectic and stressful both at work and at home.

At work I was offered acting higher duties at a small branch while the branch manager went on leave.  As it was a small branch I was required to fulfil the needs of my substantive role at the same time.  What I didn't know is that the small branch was a very toxic environment where most of the staff have fine-tuned the art of treading carefully so as to not upset two clerks. One of these women was physically aggressive and abusive to other staff.  The other was insidious and spread lies around the town and played people off against the other.  Unfortunately, although they worked with my people, these women were not employed by my organisation so I had no way of enforcing any internal disciplinary action. 

Needless to say these women tried their tricks on me and I stood up to them and the world exploded.  This was when I had discovered they had been doing this for over ten years together and the manager has fine-tuned the art of soothing them down.  All staff walked on eggshells around these two. I wrote reports documenting the issues and providing short, medium and long term recommendations. I counselled other staff and generally spent all of my emotional and mental energies on shielding the "good" staff from these two nasties. I also attempted to get the good staff cycled to another branch for 6-12 months so they could get out of the toxic environment and see what life at work could be.

You do not need to puke in the car park every morning before walking into work. Yes some of the good staff had been doing this.

And I was also conducting and reporting on ad hoc issues such as how wifi access impacts on minors in the library and are ebooks relevant to our library. Most of this work and my normal work was done at home because I spent all my "work time" energies focusing on the interpersonal issues of the branch.

During this time Stephen and I moved house. That in itself was a very stressful event with removalists cancelling on us the day before the move, the packers ruining half my glassware and most of the contents of the pantry - as well as frames on pictures and stitched stuff.

I had rented a little two bedroom place for the cats and I.  Due to the problems with the removalists a lot more of Stephen's goods and chattels ended up at my place than expected. Due to circumstances outside of his control (work permits, visas etc) Stephen and his stuff were "crowding" my space for six weeks after move.  Stephen still had no income and I was still feeding both of us, providing petrol for the cars etc etc.  I don't begrudge doing this, as it was not Stephen's fault that he was still here. He had done his bit to get a new job and a new life, he was just in a holding pattern until  the bureaucracy caught up.

Not being able to unpack my stuff, having too many boxes everywhere, not being able to have any significant time on my own or find what I wanted when I wanted was adding to my stress levels. And I wont even mention the storm damage that had water flowing over the light fitting in the second bedroom Stephen was using at the time.

Whenever I mentioned these frustrations it just seemed all I was being told in returned was "kick him out - tell him to go". Due to the circumstances that was not an option I wanted to do. It was not his fault he was still here.  So I stopped talking to people. I cut myself off from my support network. I stopped stitching, I stopped meditating, I stopped exercising, I stopped eating healthily.

Current situation: I am alone, but not lonely. I have two beautiful cats and I am spending some time setting my house up the way I had envisioned it seven weeks earlier.

I am however, the fattest/heaviest I have ever been in my life. I owe more debt than I ever wanted to in my life. I enjoy elements of my job, but not all, nor do I think I am a good fit for the current organisation. Now that I've finished my 5-week acting higher duties stint I was pulled off all projects and not allowed to talk to staff at the small branch. I am soo worried about the good staff and so annoyed that I can't get to finish the other projects. What was the outcome? Were any of my recommendations implemented? If not, why not? Were the reports any good? Was there something I missed?  I need feedback damnit!

So where to from here.  (and finally we are at the bit where I was writing to Julie).

I've decided I'm spending the next 18 months shedding.  Shedding weight, shedding debt and shedding unwanted physical items.  By Christmas 2011 I should be ready to move back to Melbourne.

I've applied for a job with one of the Unis and I will continue to apply because I am happier working in an office environment than one where I'm face-to-face with the public all day.  I'm happier working full-time than part-time and I'm happier paying my debts off. I find owing money to friends and family very stressful.

I'm not happy with my weight and general levels of fitness. I'm embarrassed that I can't walk up four flights of stairs (at local State Library) without winding myself so badly that I can't talk for five minutes and people start asking if I need an ambulance (true story). I shed nearly 30 kilos a few years back and I've now put all of that back on plus more.  I find I'm getting a lot of the health issues I was getting last time I was this fat. Bladder issues and the like. I have the largest size work uniform shirt and it doesn't fit :(  I need to lose weight for health and self-esteem issues.

I'm too embarrassed to go to the work gym because only the fit people from work go there and well its just not a place I feel comfortable enough in - see above self esteem issues.  So I'm going to acquire a new wii and wii fit program and board. I was using Stephen's earlier this year and they really helped!  I was doing half hour before work and over an hour on days I didn't work. However his system was packed when we moved and I haven;t done anything for a few months.  I found the wii fit system worked for me and I got the endorphin boost from it.  I tried the "boot camp" at the actual gym at work with the other fatties and it was too intensive for me and I struggled and struggled but never got the endorphin release. I never felt comfortable with what I was doing.  So its the wii fit for now, and when I've shed a few kilos and gained some toning and condition I will try boot camp or its ilk again.

Now that I can set my house up, and there's only one human, I'm feeling more interested in cooking again. Its easier to move around the kitchen so I can keep it clean, find my pots and pans and make meals more easily.  Too many meals lately have been junk food because I just didn't feel up to "tackling" the kitchen and neither did Stephen.  I feel more inspired to cook now because I don't have that self-imposed nagging voice in my head saying "but what if he doesn't like it?"  And I *know* that's a carry-over from my husband all those years ago. The emotional baggage we carry around ?? 

The lesson I learned from the move over here, is to plan it next time and move less stuff.  So apart form replacing essentials (wii for fitness, PC for sanity) I wont be making any major purchases over the next two years.  I will be moving what I can of my book collection to eformat and most of my furniture will be staying here after I leave. The money I save in transport costs will easily allow me to purchase cheap replacement furniture when I'm back in Melbourne.

I'm also looking through my hobby stuff and jettisoning a lot of it.  I still have a lot of fabric, beads etc from my SCA days. I wont be going back into the SCA. It simply doesn't interest me anymore. I don't do much machine sewing these days, so I can jettison the fabric stash.  I haven't made soap in years so I can remove most of those supplies and just leave a few favourite moulds and scents to make a batch a year if interested.

I'm even planning on going through my cross stitch stash and giving away or selling any chart/kit that I realistically wont be stitching in the next few years. I will go through my threads and fabrics and anything I don't have a dedicated use for will be similarly given away or sold. 

I'm spending too much time and money fretting about and storing my stuff, and not enough enjoyment in actually using it.

I have two years in this little house before the owners move back. I plan on having a quiet couple of years restoring my equilibrium. And to do that, I need to be happy with what I am doing, how I feel physically, emotionally and financially and to surround myself with things that make me smile.

So this is the two year plan.

Of course by writing this I know full well that something is going to upset the applecart again - but I can hope for a peaceful tranquil couple of years getting myself sorted out.

Classic Stress Dream

Life has been interesting lately.  Yesterday the packers and removalists pulled out on us claiming miscommunication on timings and payments - which was bollocks. A stressful few hours later Stephen had found replacements, but now the packers and coming today so the move wont happen until after lunch.

Last night after a break from packing at 10:30pm we drove out for a bite to eat and I discovered one of my car's wheels is making a strange noise - I need to get that looked at this morning before anything else happens.

After wanting us out with two weeks notice in January, the owners are now playing hardball with us breaking the lease so I will be paying double rent now for at least the next four weeks.  We've held two open houses and not a single application has been put in yet.  How the hell I can afford to pay rent on both places when the reason I am moving is I cannot afford the rent on this place alone is frankly beyond me.

I'm working my guts out at work, taken on higher duties, put myself back into a supervisory role and of course management want to use me to sort out a branch with a poisonous culture. I've spent at least five hours of personal time this week counselling staff.  I was up at 6am yesterday morning writing confidential reports to management.  This is over and above the normal stresses of meeting the deadlines of two different jobs simultaneously and all for a lousy $200 over my normal pay packet.

I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night this week. I've been getting weepy at the drop of a hat here at home.  Is it any wonder this morning after being awake for hours I dropped off into a small stress dream.

I was four years old and at a huge family picnic. I was holding a plate of food and looking around. All the adults were doing a multitude of tasks at the same time, one aunt had a baby on her hip and was serving lunch to another child; an uncle was getting drinks while keeping an eye on some kids swimming etc etc. And the noise was deafening. Kids screaming with laughter and playing chaseys the adults all yelling to be heard above the din.

One aunt looked down at me and asked of I would like pepper on my lunch. I looked at my plate and most of the food (including all of the really good bits) were gone.  I looked up and wailed: Where's My Lunch ?????

I woke up crying.  Tears streaming down my face, huge sobs wracking my body, my cheeks and mouth quivering like chipmunks .... even now I have tears rolling down my face just writing about it, it affected me so much.

If I had the time and energy I'm sure I could analyse the dream into the losses in my life, feeling overwhelmed etc etc.

But to be honest, I have neither the energy nor the time.  Its now time to turn the PC off, pack it away, and start sorting out the kitchen before the packers come to do the fragile bits. At 8:30am I can ring the garage and take the car down and hope its nothing major.

Catch you all when I have internet again.  My phone is still working so I can txt and twitter.

Life Update

Just a small update for those who are interested :)

In the end I'm not moving for a few months.  I literally cannot find anything suitable cheaper than where we currently are and at least here, Stephen was still paying most of the bills.

Stephen is currently unemployed. His last contract ended last Friday.  There's nothing on the horizon for him here.  He is flying out to Singapore next Tuesday for a job interview and he has applications in for Melbourne.

I'm enjoying the technical side of my job but I still don't suffer fools gladly. This is something I need to work on :) At least I do most of my venting on Twitter instead of allowing it to show at work in front of the customers or colleagues.  Although there are a few colleagues who seem to think I'm a good listener and use my when they need to vent aloud or as a sounding board for ideas.  Ironically I'm pretty good at keeping team morale up.  I use the old adage "you can't be angry when you're laughing" to deal with most issues.

I was told yesterday "I can't believe you've been here such a short time Mel, the place just isn't the same without you"  which was nice.

I've also had meeting with management on going full time for three months next year to work on more special projects.  I've also got an expression of Interest in with Curtin University for 6-12 month contracts starting next Feb-Mar.  If I could pick up one of the 12 month contracts at my usual rate of pay (instead of the pittance I'm getting now) move to a cheaper place and then spend the 12 months clearing out all the extraneous guff I'm carrying about I should be perfectly set to afford to move back to Sydney or Melbourne when the contract runs out in early/mid 2011. The employment opportunities in Syd/Melb would have improved by then too.

On a personal front, I'm slowly starting to professionally network more and meet a few people outside of work or at least through work.  I'm starting to go to more conferences and professional events and chatting with other librarians.  Also through Janine's stitching group I'm starting to make some friends there so I'm not a social hermit :)

I'm going out to a property in the Perth Hills for Christmas lunch. Clara, a friend for work collects all the "orphans" at her place for lunch and she insists that there are some people coming who I will really get along with so some new friendships might come out of that.

Boxing Day is supposed to be hideously hot or hideously cold with massive storms, depending on which weather service you listen to.  If its the former I'm spending the day at the cinemas even if it means watching 4-5 movies back to back.  Thankfully there are lots on that I'm interesting in going to :)

The Monday public holiday I'm spending at Janine's shop with some of the other stitching girls. So that looks like fun :) And Tuesday I go back to work.  The library is only closed for the public holidays.

I have no plans for New Years Eve, but then I never have any plans for New Years Eve.  I'm not a big party girl so I'm always more than happy to spend that one at home with the cats :)

So I wont be alone on Christmas Day (this apparently is a big deal to some people) and I am getting out and about and I am deriving satisfaction from my work.

So all in all, I think the stage is set for a good 2010.  Not at all what I envisaged this time last year .... but well life is in the journey right?

Best YouTube Clip - EVAH!!!!

The FULL Muppet cast doing Bohemian Rapsody!

The embed didn't work.

Here's the direct link!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY

Life Update

I've been a bit quiet lately and thought I'd send an update of how things are going.

I've been trying to adjust to the new situation. Even though Stephen and I are not in a relationship anymore we still share a house (rental lease isn't finished until April next year).

Given the huge discrepancy in our incomes, Stephen is still paying most of the joint bills. Most of my meagre wages go towards my personal bills (loans, insurances etc) and paying back the money we borrowed from mum and Debbie.

Stephen's current contract (which he hates) finishes in 10 days.  The only contracts he applied for are in Melbourne and Singapore.  What this means for the cats and I? Well that depends on the length of contract.

If its a short term contract he will leave his stuff here and apparently help supplement the rent. I'll have to obviously pick up the rest of the bills, water, electricity, etc. Then apparently, Stephen will be back in March and then we pack up our respective stuffs, him off to wherever and I'll stay in Perth.  Frankly I just can't afford to move anywhere else.

Stephen (as I now know) has a track record of moving on and leaving those he has left behind to pack and forward his stuff for him.  He hates Perth, he currently hates me, hates the cats and hates his life.  Once he leaves I cannot see him ever returning. Nor, (now knowing his fiscal responsibilities or lack thereof) do I really expect any assistance with the rent and bills once he leaves.

But frankly, with the situation as it is at the moment, I can't wait until he goes.  He's stressed over the finances and wants to leave Perth so badly, that he's taking all the stress out on me and the cats (though not physically yet).  When he leaves he will be happier; I'll be going deeper into debt but happier, and the cats will be happier.

Feeling discombobulated

Went to the doc this morning for my annual checkup and Contraceptive Pill script renewal.

Today the doc said no.

Apparently because I get migraines with auras (flashing lights in front of my eyes) and my age, The Pill is strongly contra-indicated as I'm up for a 60% chance of a stroke or deep vein thombosis.

She did renew my script for a month, and gave me some literature, so now I need to explore options and see what else I can do to keep my periods regular and reduce the severity of both bleeding and cramping.

The actual contraceptive side of things is sooo irelevant its laughable .... so why am I sitting here crying my heart out?

Life stuff

Things here have been a bit rocky as one might expect from two independent people moving in together away from all of their family and friends.

It culminated a month ago with with a shouting match (us) and tears (mine) and decisions were made for the sake of the relationship i.e. that I would continue to work part time and do all the housework, post office, dry cleaning etc, unless I am offered a job at a high enough rate that I can contribute half of the joint expenses. We also decided it would be best to move back to Melbourne when the lease on this house expires next May.

During that time I asked Stephen if he still loved me or did he want me to move out. He didn't answer me, but things seemed to be getting along better after that.  We were working better, we were spending more time together etc.

Mum visited for a week and my birthday was a great day when all three of us played board games and card games and wii games together. As soon as mum went home, things went back to the bad old ways with Stephen doing his own thing every night and not even sitting with me during dinner.

Then he finally admitted that when we move back Eastside he wants us to move separately.  He believes we don't work well living together. He also admitted that he fell out of love with me a long time ago, even before I moved over here.  He suggested I move over here as he felt it was his responsibility to look after me financially.  He felt he was the reason I moved to Melbourne so he felt obligated when the Melbourne job fell through.  Even though his feelings towards me had changed, he felt he could not break off the engagement when I had just lost my job.

I don't think the relationship has been given a proper chance. He made his mind up before I even got here. We haven't been intimate, not even hugs and kisses since I've been here.  He's always had excuses.  It makes so much sense now.

I asked him if he wanted to give the relationship a proper chance, a second go now that we are both here and both getting used to living with one another. I asked why he fell out of love with me? Is it something I can work on? He still has not answered any of these questions.

So because he felt obligated, we are in masses of debt, I am over the other side of the country with very few friends and no family, and I can't see a way home without incurring more and more debt.

I know grieving for a broken relationship takes five steps.  I seem to be stuck at "if I had known the truth I would have made so many decisions differently" and of course the self-pitying "why aren't I good enough for anyone to love?"

Between next week and Christmas I'll be putting most of my stash up for sale on eBay. Closer to moving time I will have a yard sale and try to sell most of my furniture and I will sell my car at that time for whatever I can get for it.

Any other suggestions for raising cash and reducing the amount of stuff to carry back?

I'll basically be moving back to my mum's with my cat, my bed and a couple of suitcases.  And starting over.  Welcome to being 38 Mel.

Just figured you guys would want to know.  Also you might have some practical ideas :)

Gluten-free thoughts

I've just started reading "Gluten Free Girl" by Shauna James Ahern.  I've been a devotee of her website for a while.

In the books she specifically addresses the issue of people like me who "cheat" and has "just a bite" of gluten-containing foods ....  

She says "The ability to shift to living gluten-free takes a psychological shift. It is a shift that must happen, however.  How many people spend years mooning over the man who broke up with them, still wishing he was the one? Think of gluten as an abusive boyfriend."

She also talks about the tiredness and listlessness a lot of people experience when eating gluten.  Thinking about it, we eat junk food when I'm too tired to cook.  I'm too tired to cook in part, because I keep ingesting these foods.

This may be a vicious circle ....

I'm going to cook some of the recipes out of her book.  Only problem is anyone know where I can source sorghum flour or Pomegranate Molasses?  Some of the most delicious sounding recipes have ingredients that I just can't source at my local supermarket :(

But isn't that always the way and isn't that part of why I think they sound delish? Because they are flavour sensations I haven't tried before?

Hmm - more good food thoughts ....