How to have a successful visit ....
- Email and say "hey I feel like coming to Perth for the long weekend and explore the city. Mind if I crash at your place each night". When you turn up up, allow your actions and manner indicate that what you really meant was "hey set aside three days of your lives and focus exclusively on my whims and desires".
- When your host asks "are you allergic to anything, do you have food preferences" answer no. Then reject every suggestion for dinner because it has something in it you don't like.
- Never offer suggestions or ideas for where you want to go to explore the city. You have arrived here, your hosts should arrange everything else for you. Feel free to be critical of their suggestions and choices.
- You have a three day weekend and as a full time employee you are being paid for the public holiday Monday. Take no notice of the fact that it isn't a public holiday here. Your host is a contractor and as such does not get paid unless he is actually at work. However, do be miffed if he goes to work on the Monday because your hosts need the money. After all, you're still getting paid and you are gracing them with yiour presence. They should just suck up the financial loss because that's part of spending time with YOU.
- Please remember to point out how everything here is more expensive and less urbane than your home town. Argue every point with your hosts even though they have lived in both cities and can point out the positives of Perth.
- In fact argue every point with your hosts, regardless if you have experienced the topic at hand or have any knowledge on the subject whatsoever. You are correct in every single way at all times.
- Whatever you do, don't take into account that your hosts are both older than you, have lived away from home, have been married and in many other ways have had much more experience in life's diversities than you do. Remember to ALWAYS one up them in any recitation of stories or anecdotes. They could not have had life as bad as you have had. Your Year 9 bus trip having to eat porridge one morning was definitely far worse than a camping trip of 1000 people your host had to cater for.
- Ignore any anecdote (like the catering story) that is meant to be amusing. Ignore all attempts to get to admit anything you have ever done in your life has been positive. Do not find anything amusing. Do not ever admit you enjoyed anything. At best use the word "interesting" if you cannot find anything specific to complain about.
- If you go to the toilet and your hosts are discussing a different topic when you return (i.e. one of their parents is having severe life issues), it is your duty to talk over the top of this and return the conversation to you. You after all are the guest and sole focus for the weekend.
- You have the right to ignore everything your hosts do that isn't focused on you. If one of the hosts is washing up and cleaning the kitchen on her own for over an hour (while the other one is doing emergency telecommuting) feel free to ignore them and play with the new kitten. Although you are capable of handling a tea towel, never ever offer to help.
- Even though a room has been emptied of boxes specifically for your visit (and you have been informed of this and told that it wont be the guest bedroom in future) feel free to lock the arthritic cat out of the only room in the house that gets the morning sun. Do this every morning after telling your hosts how much you love cats.
- Feel free to take over the TV at any point. You have been informed that one of your hosts doesn't particularly like true crime shows. Please select program that details how much bodies are mutilated from a bombed bus depending on their proximity to said bus. You like the show and after al the host is merely washing up the dishes from the roast dinner the night before, she isn't focusing on you.
- Remember to stand between your hosts at all times. Whenever you are out at the markets or in a restaurant make sure you sit and stand and walk between your hosts. After all we wouldn't want them to hug or kiss at any time. In fact, your hosts are here to focus on you and therefore anything they say or do must involve you. If one host is trying to show the other host a comment to a blog post, remember to put your head between the hosts and the screen so you can read it first. Then dismiss the comment even though you have no context as you haven't read the blog post.
- Finally, as you board the plane this morning, wonder why your trip wasn't as successful as you thought it was going to be ....
29 comments:
I hope this did not really happen
I have no idea about the last segment - but the rest of it is absolutely true of the last three days. I'd never met her; she was an acquaintance of Mr S. We've both always offered crash space to friends before without any dramas.
We may be a little more selective in the future.
Yikes!!! Hope you all recover soon, and the "houseguest" doesn't decide to make a return trip any time soon!!
Hubby's O'seas family do this to his parents ALL the time. It's why our OFFICIAL position is "no sleepovers". Of course.....we reserve the right to change that rule at any time for friends.
Such a person is definitely not a friend :-(
Quel horreur...
Probably she thinks she was the completely nice guest!
There WONT be any return visits! S and I are in complete agreement; that person will not be staying here again.
So I take it you had a good weekend then!!!!!!
Urk not a good weekend! I bet you and Mr NTB just collapsed in horror after they had gone!
Yikes - what a horror story! These people are not guests, just the 'users and takers' of the world. Single minded and selfish. I hope you guys have recovered from what sounds like an incredibly difficult weekend. Cheers,
Ugh. I hate friends who treat you more like a maid/chauffeur/cook/hotel than a friend. I hope you both are recovered and can enjoy each others company again. And just for reference Mel, I don't like seafood, runny eggs or rare meat. Make a note, huh? (evil grin)
Talk about the house guest from hell!
I had hoped you were kidding - but I see you weren't. Holy crap! Well, hopefully you can laugh about it - many months from now :) Send the cleaning bill :)
Wow Mel - what a rude house guest!
I'm surprised you actually let her stay three nights. She'd have been kicked out of here after two, if not one.
For the record I dont eat meat but I'm a dab hand with a tea towel or duster:))
Let me guess, twenty something, self obsessed and too cheap to get a hotel room so (s)he bludged off friends, What a pain!
30 something. Still lives at home with parents. Never had to make a meal or do housework in her life.
Wasn't being deliberately offensive as just completely clueless. We both suspect her parents completely dote on her and defer to her and thus she thinks this is normal behaviour!
She was Stephen's friend, not mine. I left those decisions to him.
However knowing it was going to be only three days and four nights made it easier to bear - if she'd been planning on staying longer, she would have found herself in need of a hotel room after the second night.
At the time I wrote this post, Mr S was dropping her off at the airport and then going straight to work. It is now 24 hours later and Mr S has had an evening to unwind so yes we are both better. The stress of dealing with her was worse than many of his days at work - and he does some tech support.
Cher in Clueless springs to mind. Spoiled princess but as sheis still in her thirties and behaving like a teen, then I would take her out and bury her, quickly!
Wow - what a weekend! Gla to hear that you're both better! Altho, this sounds like J's girlfriend.. especially the 30 something still lives at home with her parents and totally doted on part.. almost makes ne feel bad for him!
(I said almost! lol)
One thing that Mel left out for personal reasons is that our guest has had a major crush on me for ages. The reason for her being here had very little to do with visiting Perth.
YUCK! And I presume she hasn't got the message yet that you're taken?
((((((M & S)))))))
YUCK! And I presume she hasn't got the message yet that you're taken?
((((((M & S)))))))
Oh S that makes things even worse. No worries Mel - you have him now :-)
The BOFH aka Dr Dragon just took one look at this and asked what the guest was on? First off she would have been chucked out after the 2nd night and if she was hoping to break you and Mr NTB up she may not have even got that far!
That was the visit from Hell......it's a shame someone of that age really has NO clue how to behave like an adult.
She wasn't trying to break us up. I didn't register in her world enough for her to consider me a threat. She just thought Mr S would automatically fall for her "charms".
*snerk* oh boy is she heading for a fall when the real world finally hits her!
I look at it this way - if he was silly enough to fall for her - then he wouldn't be the man I plan to marry :) :) :)
Both S and I were in complete agreement all weekend!
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