Things here have been a bit rocky as one might expect from two independent people moving in together away from all of their family and friends.
It culminated a month ago with with a shouting match (us) and tears (mine) and decisions were made for the sake of the relationship i.e. that I would continue to work part time and do all the housework, post office, dry cleaning etc, unless I am offered a job at a high enough rate that I can contribute half of the joint expenses. We also decided it would be best to move back to Melbourne when the lease on this house expires next May.
During that time I asked Stephen if he still loved me or did he want me to move out. He didn't answer me, but things seemed to be getting along better after that. We were working better, we were spending more time together etc.
Mum visited for a week and my birthday was a great day when all three of us played board games and card games and wii games together. As soon as mum went home, things went back to the bad old ways with Stephen doing his own thing every night and not even sitting with me during dinner.
Then he finally admitted that when we move back Eastside he wants us to move separately. He believes we don't work well living together. He also admitted that he fell out of love with me a long time ago, even before I moved over here. He suggested I move over here as he felt it was his responsibility to look after me financially. He felt he was the reason I moved to Melbourne so he felt obligated when the Melbourne job fell through. Even though his feelings towards me had changed, he felt he could not break off the engagement when I had just lost my job.
I don't think the relationship has been given a proper chance. He made his mind up before I even got here. We haven't been intimate, not even hugs and kisses since I've been here. He's always had excuses. It makes so much sense now.
I asked him if he wanted to give the relationship a proper chance, a second go now that we are both here and both getting used to living with one another. I asked why he fell out of love with me? Is it something I can work on? He still has not answered any of these questions.
So because he felt obligated, we are in masses of debt, I am over the other side of the country with very few friends and no family, and I can't see a way home without incurring more and more debt.
I know grieving for a broken relationship takes five steps. I seem to be stuck at "if I had known the truth I would have made so many decisions differently" and of course the self-pitying "why aren't I good enough for anyone to love?"
Between next week and Christmas I'll be putting most of my stash up for sale on eBay. Closer to moving time I will have a yard sale and try to sell most of my furniture and I will sell my car at that time for whatever I can get for it.
Any other suggestions for raising cash and reducing the amount of stuff to carry back?
I'll basically be moving back to my mum's with my cat, my bed and a couple of suitcases. And starting over. Welcome to being 38 Mel.
Just figured you guys would want to know. Also you might have some practical ideas :)
33 comments:
Yes, I wanted to know and I'm glad you come out with it.
Getting rid of the baggage and the memories that go with it are the best ways to start new, sweetie!
I think you deserve to lick wounds at your mum's - and doing it without the material baggage of the past several years. Start fresh. You are very knowledgeable, maybe you should change the branch to work in? Seek ways to use your skills in another field? There are people who change their careers completely all over the place.
Hang in there, sweetie! We love you and would hold your hand through everything if we could.
I would have divorced hubby years ago if I had a mum, dad, grandparent, or friend to move in with until I got my feet under me, so don't feel bad about that sweetie. I am sorry it all fell apart. There really are no magic words to make it all better and since the trans oceanic hug is still not quite the same thing as a real one, I can't help much in that respect either.
Just know that you are worthwhile, and you are worth loving, but you have to start by loving you first. Get that confidence and that self assuredness that comes from believing that you are worthwhile as yourself, without being part of a couple, and the rest will follow.
As far as raising money, I have no clue. Sounds like the stash sell off and yard sale are a good start. EBay fees often take a chunk out of your profits. Might try putting groups together and posting photos in a Multiply album and see if your stitching friends might buy some of it first. There were a few of your charts I found drool worthy, hehe.
Big hugs Mel. It hurts to know how lost and hurt you feel right now and not be able to help.
Mariann and Sisu have it about pegged. It is important to re-iterate that you must believe that you are important and valued, both here in cyber land and I'm sure in the real world.
As you know, a little over five years ago I left a very long term relationship (26 years) and it was, looking back now, a bizare time. Now Jen and I are together with our loopy dog Jack and life is just great. All I would want you to know is that even though things look bad now and you are maybe wondering where the route forward is, I can assure you that things do change and for the better.
Honey, in equal parts sorry it didn't work for you, and glad you now know exactly where you stand. At least YOU gave it a good chance even if Stephen wasn't committed from the start.
You ARE worth loving, but its devilishly hard to find someone in this complicated world, It's no reflection on you. I see so much to love in you, and I think a fresh start & a clean break may do the trick. Leave ALL baggage behind, physical & emotional.
As for your stash on eBay, I'm not saying don't, but if you'd prefer to itemise & put together a list of fair prices (not QUITE retail)...I might just take a swag off them off you. No promises ('cause if you're like me...you're a hoarder) but my stash is currently pathetically "vanilla" & you have all the varietal stuff I lust over. Let me also say this offer isn't charity, it's greed.
That's got to have been so hard, but like friends have already said - better now than later. Don't do anything too suddenly - you may find yourself reacting just for the sake of reacting and taking a path that isn't your only option. Be alert for windows of opportunity and relax. You have every right to be confident in yourself, so don't let his failure be yours. {{hugs}}
Morning all,
I've contacted UNSW in Sydney who were the last employers I enjoyed working for (and at decent money) and asked them to let me know if they have anything coming up later this year or early next year, that I could be suitable for. Its a long shot, but you never know if you don't ask.
I also Alison keeping an eye out for me for other Sydney/Newcastle jobs, also friends in Ballarat (rural Victoria) keeping an eye out near them too. Both these sets of friends have offered me a room at their place until I get my feet under me and have started work again.
I'm also keeping an eye out here in Perth because you ever know and somewhere cheaper I could move to now would be good from a psychological perspective.
I've also come to the realisation that stuff is just stuff. It actually feels liberating in some way to give up a lot of what I've been hoarding. I may even get to the point where I only buy charts that I am planning to stitch right now (shock horror).
I also have a fair bit of stuff lying around from previous hobbies like the SCA and my soapmaking that I'm not really doing these days. Again, see if I can sell it all and just buy what I need fresh as and when I start up the hobby again ...
The SCA stuff will probably go up on eBay as I'm not quite ready to contact the local SCA groups directly. The soapmaking stuff will go up as a garage sale on two Australian-based soaping lists. I might not get much money, but it will be less stuff to transport.
I'll list my stash stuff on BAPXS (and here) first as a garage sale and then try the Australian xers cross stitch group and then sell the remainder via eBay.
Now I just need to find a second-hand book place in Perth that will take anything and pay me a couple of dollars for it :) So many places are very very picky.
Now just to gird my loins and start ... I'll probably list a fair chunk of my fabric stash here over the weekend. I'm kinda in the lethargic shock stage at the moment, finding it difficult to be motivated enough to do anything ....
Believe it or not, that's the part that makes this so much more difficult. After Paul I was settled with being a single person, I had my house and stuff set up to suit myself (and Trubs) and was prepared to spend the rest of my life like that.
Then this whirlwind of a relationship came through, turned everything upside down and has blown out again. Unfortunately due to financial decisions that were made, I can't just go back to where I was before this happened. This has changed things.
In some ways for the better - yes I think it is definitely time to get rid of some physical clutter and go back to focusing on what's right for me and Trubs (and possibly Abby now).
Jim, That's how I saw this relationship with Stephen being. It hurt to be wrong. I really wanted this to work. I really *expected* this to work because Stephen initially understood me so much better than any of my previous partners ever did. It just didn't last.
Yep. I was contemplating a move that would have tied me more financially to Stephen (I was considering taking out a loan to cover a good proportion of his debts). I am very glad he was finally honest with me before I went through with this.
Thanks for everything else you have written here, the external validation really helps :) and yes I will offer stash to you guys first at a fair price :)
Thanks so much! That is really important thing to hear :)
Thanks Paula - knowing you had gone through something like this (but on a much bigger scale) I was interested in your thoughts and experiences! Thank you for making so much sense :)
"As hard as it is, though, remember that you can't force someone to feel anything or even put any level of effort into the relationship" That's why I'm letting go now and not trying to make him change his mind or see what he's missing out on. Unfortunately circumstances dictate that we share a house for a while longer, but I'll just focus on my needs and treat him like any other housemate.
"don't eliminate to the point that you give up things that are truly important to you; I'm talking about family heirlooms and the like." There aren't many of these. For the first cull I'm going to look at things and say "do I smile every time I see that?" If the answer is yes I'm keeping it. If the answer is no or meh, then it goes.
I will be reducing a lot of my hobbies stashes because frankly I"ve hit SABLE with cross stitch and I don't do the other hobbies anymore. I'll try to cut it down to those WIPs I really want to finish, projects of love (like the hardanger project Mariann designed for me) and a few projects that are kitted up and screaming at me. I'm going to let the rest go and I will buy them again later at a time when I know I will start it immediately. With the Internet, no chart is ever permanently out of print and fabric and floss can always be substituted ...
The anticipated feeling of being out of debt is stronger right now than the feeling of satisfaction at having all this stuff just in case I want to work on them. I'm sure all this will change in the future :) :)
" but the reality is that you DIDN'T know.. and you made the best decision you could with the information that was available to you." Thanks. I need to be told these things sometimes :) Thank you.
"you are also smart, classy, loving and generous." This applies to you too missy !!! And to *many* of the people reading this !!!
"As miserable as this feels, this is an amazing opportunity to figure out exactly who Mel IS, who you WANT to be and what you want to be "when you grow up". "
I have to laugh at the above statement. I went through all of this with the breakup of my marriage 9 years ago. And I'm going through it again. It is always a learning process isn't it?
"I'm always amazed at exactly how much better I feel when I get even a little exercise in each day." This is a very very good point. I've done very little exercise since I arrived here and I've put back on all the weight I lost in Melbourne and more. Right, exercise daily it is, even if its just a couple of games of Wii Tennis on busy days.
"find the good things in each day". Bloody good point !!!! Going off to do that right now!
Mel, I have been in shock with your news. I know what a gorgeous person you are. I have spent the last few days thinking up ways to help you. I am only a phone call away and if you need time out of the house I am just down the road so to speak. I haven't any words of wisdom to give you. Wish I did. Hugs from me.
Thanks so much Janine! Meeting you and your friends and family has been one of the highlights of this whole affair :) :)
Am I the only one who feels that the man in this relationship needs his shortcomings spelled out to him along with a few broken bones?
I am so angry on your behalf, Mel, so angry that I can't begin to write words of comfort for you or any such thing.
I'm so angry that I have stayed off the computer for a few days in the hopes that what you "tweeted" me didn't come true.
Nobody should be treated as shabbily as you have been.
Honey, big big hugs...again, I have no words...just an intense anger and a desire to do bodily harm.
I confess I wanted to wring his neck for his stupidity costing me thousands of dollars. However what's done is done.
He is living his "just desserts". He is a very lonely individual who only does what he wants when he wants it, and wont let anyone really into his heart. He is depressed but wont go out and meet people. There's nothing I could do to him that he isn't already doing to himself.
I've been following him on Twitter since that day you had the knife, just to see what kind of guy he was. I try very hard not to say bad things about people, but I was continually finding his posts mean-spirited and shallow. I was only hoping this was some macho facade and that you were able to see the REAL great guy underneath that image. Perhaps thats all there is down to his core.
I don't understand how you possibly are able to both remain in the living arrangement and put on cheery public fronts. I wish you strenght to get through this, and am so glad you are planning your exit rather than adopting some sick viewpoint that he might be what you deserve. {{{hugs}}}
When things are going fine for him he isn't like this. However since the move to Perth he is away from his friends and his comfort zone and he hates it. He's exceedingly insecure, which I didn't know, and often displays publicly what he thinks people want him to be. The move back to his friends in Melbourne will be good for him because he wont feel like he has to put up the front.
The problems I have is that I had no idea that he was only a fair-weather friend. While I am happy and upbeat he loves me and cherishes me. Once I started going a rough patch, (losing my job in Melbourne, trying to adjust to life in a new city, coping with a lower income and rejections for jobs I knew I was well suited for) he wasn't there for me. I know now that he will never "be there" for anyone else. As soon as anyone close to him needs him for support, he shuts off and emotionally walks away.
And that defines while he will never be happy in life.
I know I deserve better than how he is treating me. He knows it too. I just thought that if we both worked at it, I could help him get through his emotional baggage and he would start feeling secure enough in himself to see past his own issues .... he doesn't want to work at it.
I'm not feeling cheery but I'm not really depressed either. I've stopped the huge crying jags in the last couple of days and am just focusing on the practicalities of what to do next. I know a lot will hit me later and I know this has badly damaged my self-esteem, but I'll work on that later, once I'm out of this situation and settled elsewhere.
Well said Claire. That was why it took me so long to say anything.
That is actually terribly sad....
You have such a generous spirit that he should have seen how good you could be for him....very sad....
I wish you luck and love honey....You deserve to be cherished and adored.....
The trouble with wanting to do bodily harm is that it solves nothing. It's got to be regarded like water under the bridge - done and gone. Bodily harm may give a short term satisfaction, but will leave loads of bad feelings.
Personally I rather spend more love on Mel than hate on her ex(es).
It's good that all the angry us people are out of the physical way ;-)
I've been quiet for rather different reasons. I have not been able to find the words until now. When I saw your early hours Twitter, it brought up a whole slew of very painful memories for me which I tend to avoid. I got very little sleep because of the huge knot in my stomach. I knew what the morning would bring for you Mel and while the daylight eases the feelings and distracts, it never removes it. In the morning (for me) when you put up this post, I sat and the knot came back along with an intense anger that this had to happen to you.
No-one deserves to go through this kind of torture, least of all kind and gentle souls like you. I admit I sat and wept and then left for a very difficult day with your situation constantly in the back of my mind. It has been there ever since.
I don't weep often but this was too close to home for me. I had a very similar situation happen to me 15 years ago and I was left in short order with pretty much nothing but what I could carry. The galling thing about the situation was that the person concerned when on to marry my mother and is now my stepfather. He is doing his level best to destroy her as he did me. He has never apologised, or even mentioned what passed between us. I had to spend Tuesday with him and my mother, chauffeuring them around to all the shops they needed to visit, mostly his choices. He didn't even say thank you for my time and effort. I had one conversation with him all day and he was moaning about his hearing aids! Nuff said.
It took me years to be able to trust a man again and even now, I distrust what men tell me out of a defensive habit. Don't become an angry and bitter bitch like me - you have the ability to be a far better person and you deserve so much more. Mr Right may not come alone tomorrow but there is someone out there for you who is a much better match. Just have faith and keep looking at the horizon.
(((((HUGS)))))
Yes...that's him to a tee sweetie. I am selfishly pleased that it was him who introduced you to me rather than me who introduced you to him, as I'd feel terribly guilty.. You & I had a couple of long talks while you were in Melbourne about whether it was sensible of me to wave my hands in the air & say "wait for THE ONE" because we both honestly said that there were concerns whether he (who has been single & independent for so long) would be able to open up his life properly to let another person share it. We should have gone with our gut. But...was it "worth a shot"? I don't know. If you'd truly been able to make a proper judgement with all the facts at hand, you may have chosen differently. That's his fault, not yours. But life is too short to carry around anger & hurt against someone who will, without any doubt at all, get exactly the amount he deserves in life.
Oh sweetheart I am soooo sorry! There is no way I would have deliberately brought up such painful memories for you. Stephen may have his bad points but he is nowhere as horrible as your stepfather.
Many many hugs that you have to deal with him, and that your mother cannot see him for what he is and what he is doing to her.
I think Trubs is my Miss Right :) :) :) She's certainly "been there" for me a great deal more than any of my human partners ever have. No matter how crabby she is or how much pain she is in, she always comes and cuddles in my lap and pats my face when I cry.
Given the information I had then, and the expectations I have been given to believe, yes it was worth a shot.
Two ramifications I did not expect:
1. The sheer financial cost.
2. The cultural change in the West.
Before I fell in love with Stephen the second time, in early 2008, I was working at a job I enjoyed with a manager I got on well with and a director who was my mentor. I was also looking at being completely debt free by Christmas 2008. Allowing me to save enough money to visit Mariann and the UK girls in August 2009.
I didn't realise that I would be throwing all ofthat away to be with this man. I didn't know I would be moving states twice, I didn't know that I would be moving to first a bad high paying job and now a mediocre low paying job. I didn't realise how rare it was the find a managerial structure who supported me. I am looking at 4-5 years before I am back to the same financial situation I was in before I started this relationship. And who knows if I will ever find that professional arrangement again?
Living in various parts of ACT, NSW and Victoria, there is very little cultural change between the them all. There are small things, but by and large there are the same opinions and the same attitudes and te same gripes in all places.
Perth, Western Australia may as well be in a different country. Attitudes to non-locals, to gay people, to transgenders, to non-Christians, to women without children, are so different that I feel very much a fish out of water. Gender stereotying and the "redneck" mentality of might is right (espcially on the roads) are issues I have been finding difficult to come to terms with.
(Sorry Janine!)
If I had known all of this would have come to pass, I would have stayed in Sydney a few more years and become financially secure, professionally more experienced, travelled overseas, and remained Stephen's friend.
However, I didn't know. I don't know if anyone could ever claim they could have seen alll of these consequences occuring.
I wanted a companion. I still want a companion, someone who "be there" for me, someone who I can share movies and deep conversations, a great sex life. Someone who will cherish me and not take advantage of me cherishing them.
I thought I might have found that person this time and yes I was willing to gamble what I had on the hope of keeping all of that and sharing it with someone special. It didn't work out that way.
I think the hope was worth the shot, espcially as I didn't see all of the consequences.
Will I be more cautious next time? Who knows? The heart speaks its own language and does what it wants at times.
But for now I thinkt here will be just me and Trubs and possibly Abby.
I had no idea that Perth was such a different outlook, although having said that...our staff at the Perth office are a bit "special". I actually would have expected that more of SA.
If your wanderings bring you back to Melbourne, know that I'm always here for a hug, and a chat & a total lack of appropriate behavior. I do miss you sweetie.
I knew there was a reason why we are friends. \;-))
Maybe it doesn't? Maybe I'm just too sensitive on these points?
I guess after living in such tolerant cities as Canberra and Melbourne, all other places come off as being "not for me". Liberties and cultural understandings that I take for granted are battles still yet to be considered, understood and then fought for over here. But then again, I could just be sensitive to these issues too ....
Catching up with you and your hubby is definitely high on my list of rpiorities :) Even if I end up around Bendigo or Ballarat rather than Melbourne proper.
As some one who (now I've grown up a little) cherishes freedom and tollerance I think I'd be having huge problems living in a place that was not so.
Not your fault at all, just lousy timing all round. It was a very stressful day and I'm so glad to be menopausal not hormonal or there would have been bloodshed. Mum knows exactly what he is like and is making her escape plans. Do you know she has to pay for everything in the relationship despite him haveing ample means of his own but he spends his money on himself. At the last count (Mum's) he has bought 61 model yachts for himself to race and they never come out of the packaging???
What I have always been so pissed about is not his behaviour although it rankles but that my family managed to make me out to be the flake when I was having a nervous breakdown caused by his behaviour towards me. Mum has since apologised to me but my sister never has and still says I was trying to make her choose sides.
Avoiding the memories makes them fester so I am actually glad I've had a chance to let some of the poison out! Oh and if you think he is bad, his mother is exponentially worse and currently pissing off most of Breskens with her malice.
Well said.. when I was asked fairly recently what exactly I was looking for, those were almost the exact words I used.. I'm looking for a companion, a partner.. someone whom I can lean on when I need to and isn't afraid to lean on me either. I want someone who loves and respects me, that I can feel the same way about.
Unfortunately, the person who asked that question isn't that person, but he remains a good friend; and in spite of his claim that he can't be that sort of person for me right now (he's got his own pile of emotional clutter to go through), he is indeed one of my "rocks" at the moment; and vice-versa. It's kinda nice to have that without the pressures or expectations that would come along with a change in our relationship, actually :).
Yup I thoroughly agree! We all need "rocks" in our lives, those that aren't our partners but are really good friends. I'd rather be without a partner than without my rocks. Unfortunately all of my in-person rocks are all over the other side of the country.
As I was saying to one of them last night, it would be so much easier to have a friend here, someone who really knew me and could just be here when I went through my stuff and priced it to sell. Unfortunately this one I'll be doing on my own ....
As Julie already mentioned this is the area I wasn't sure if I was going to get with Stephen. And it turned out my fears were correct.
We can still talk for hours and hours on almost any topic and probably would have made a really good lasting friendship. Its his refusal to discuss anything meaningful or personal that hurt. And that was part of the not allowing me to lean on him or opening up to leaning on me.
But hey - at least you and I have our priorities straight on our requirements :) :)
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