I went to Melbourne last week expecting* to have a hard week keeping up with an intensive learning course - expecting to be behind the rest of the class.
What I came back from Melbourne with was a reconnection with friends, a reaffirmation of self, a reaffirmation of long term goals, a new career path and a doctoral thesis proposal.
This post discusses the first two and will be sent to Contacts only - I'll decide on the privacy levels of the others ....
Warning this post is exceedingly indulgent and is focused on me, myself, my ego. So feel free to delete and move along :)
As any of you who have been reading and responding to my rantings and ravings know, I've been feeling a little lost and quite negative so far this year. I've tried to put a positive spin on things, tried to create a plan and framework to go on ... to try to become myself again. It was still hard and I was still not very happy.
Come the trip to Melbourne and I am met at the airport by a lovely lapsed friend. We were very close about seven years ago but life moves on and we lost touch down to the group emailing of jokes every six months or so. I will say however, he always sent me an Ascii Rose txt on Valentine's Day and a txt on my birthday. I confess I can't remember when his birthday is ..... bad Mel!
Stephen and I hadn't seen each other in nearly seven years and I was quite unsure whether I'd even recognise him. We hit it off immediately. That connection, that friendship that understanding was still there.
After I was settled at my hotel we went into the CBD and met up with friend R. R is a sweet guy that I met as a friend of S those 7 years ago. Hadn't seen or spoken with him since. Again we hit it off immediately. Same sense of humour, finishing off each other jokes - we even have the same taste in men! God it was good perving with him! I love Melbourne!
Anyway stayed up chatting with both men for long after I should have been in bed !!!
Monday night met up with Stephen again for dinner and again talked long into the night. Topics ranged all over from personal to politics to mutual friends to you name it!
Then Tuesday his work flew him to the other side of the country and I managed to get more sleep for the rest of the week.
That Sunday night I amused both men entirely by my constant reiteration of "oh God - I'm back with normal people"!
I miss being around people who share the same thoughts ideals and sense of humour :)
Last night I had a fantasy romance dream - you know the one. Literal man of your dreams! No wasn't Stephen or R or any other real person, was literally my "perfect man"! Hey I could write a Mills and Boon :) But then again I wasn't me either - I was my dream self ** Anyway one of the tings that I brought away from this dream is that I now know what I want from a life partner. For the first time I can articulate it.
And its all wrapped up in my sense of self.
I was speaking with my dad on the phone this morning and explaining where I was having issues with the lecturer last week. I'll post the story in another blog but essentially I was thinking outside the box and making suggestions to the old professor - he had no idea how to respond to me. As I said to Dad "he's not used to dealing with people like me".
Dad's response - how many people "can" deal with you Miss?
Answer not many. My mum, Stephen, even R on a surface level - a previous lover J. Not many people truly understand what goes on in my head. Paul certainly never did. Neither did my husband.
When asked what I do for a living I always respond "I create order from chaos". I've had nicknames from Evil Overlord through the Borg Queen over the years (Borg Queen is my current one from the geeks at work).
But there are times when I cannot articulate what is going in inside my own head. There are many times, especially where emotions are involved, that I get into such a muddle and I cannot work out my own mind. That's when I talk to my mum or someone close who can help me see the forests for the trees. Stephen is another than I can do that with. ( even discussed this blog post with him)
In my dream last night my fantasy partner was someone who could pick out from my brain *** the salient points I was trying to get across. Who understood me without my needing to fumble with inadequate words.
Does this person exist? Probably not. Is this for me the defining quality in a potential partner? You bet.
It sounds stupid but I'm really happy that I finally worked this out.
Yes a partner would need to have an equitable sense of humour, a decent level of hygiene, love, me cherish me, respect me, all those usual things - but the defining point for me is "can he work through the Maelstrom in my mind?"
Side notes and Side issues:
These came to me while I was writing the above but decided to put them down here to preserve the narrative flow of the main text.
* Yes Teegs I can see how starting a new email is a trigger for a cig for you - as I started this blog post I immediately put my hand in the nut jar. Have stopped and moved it and replaced it with my water bottle :)
** In my dreams I am usually a bit taller, slender (so a lot less weight) have naturally red hair, piercing green eyes, a sweetheart face with a widows peak and I'm much more erudite and less coarse. Even my flirting is witty - think female Oscar Wilde. That's my usual dream self.
*** no not literally - that would be messy - and painful.
24 comments:
I sent Stephen a draft of the blog and he's happy for me to use his name hence the full name instead of the initial :)
Wow! I'm envious. Wish I could get to the same spot that you have arrived at. I'm glad you had a good week and came home with a whole new outlook/affirmation of who you are AND that there are people out there who you can relate to! Cheers, Trish
How wonderful that what could have been a tedious week became such a revelation time for you.
Sounds as though you are sorting things through - Melbourne here you come?
Mel! This is great! I am a strong believer in the idea that until you really know yourself and accept yourself you will only ever get with partners who reach the surface of you and not the real you on the inside. And I know what you mean about the chaos of the mind. I usually require quiet and little input from others before I work through my own mind. I am happy to hear that you are on your next step towards happiness! And future goals are essential to life :)
I would retitle this particular entry as; "The Self-Actualization of Mel". I do think you sometimes have to go back (i.e. Melbourne) in order to see forward, and you can't always get rid of your old baggage alone - you can know what you want to do and even have the plan to do it, but sometimes, the actual release has to come from outside yourself, if that makes sense. Good for you - now take it and run with it!!!!
Mel, it sounds like a great week of self discovery. I hope you continue to grow in a positive direction. You sound much happier already.
This certainly sounds like an "ah-ha" moment for you and if you can continue on with this part of your discovery you should be a happier content person. Good luck to you Mel.
Mel, it's so good to hear you had such a great week. It's wonderful to reconnect with old friends and remember what kind of a person you were with them. I love that you've discovered what it is you're looking for in a partner. I wish you much luck in finding the 'man of your dreams'!!
Sounds as though it was a good week all round. Congrats on finally finding yourself and I wish you very good luck in fulfilling what now seemsto be your ambitions.
Oh my what a change a couple of days makes .....
Got to work Monday to find my five slackers brought the unions in and started industrial action against me while I was in Melbourne last week. The accusations? Micromanagement them and setting unrealistic workloads.
I'm fine - the University Industrial Relations expert cited the Workplace Ethics Act and refuted all arguments on my behalf.
Got to work this morning to find one of my my staff refusing to do her work and refusing to follow direct orders. The direct order? To actually do a section of job that she is employed to do and which we have written step by step instructions for. She swore at me, refused to do it and stormed out in tears at 10am. What a start to the day .....
why did I come back from Melbourne? Oh that's right - pay day tomorrow!
Holy cow!!!! I certainly hope she has some disciplinary action coming towards her??? Yeah, I hate when people actually have to do what they are being paid for... Sounds like it's time to start cracking some skulls. Figuratively, of course (or not) :)
Ummm, I'm not sure about Australia, but micromanagement isn't really anything you can complain about here to anyone in authority; it's more of a personality quirk that is made fun of by those who don't have to deal with it :) But then again, I've never been in a union environment, and hope to never be.
Here's hoping that maybe you can finally weed out some of this dead weight you have lounging around the stacks, so you can do what you came there to do, and then move on with your exciting new ideas :) :) :) As to the girl who doesn't want to do her job, my 14 yo says, in an Arnold Schwarzenegger on helium voice: "You cry like sissy girl".
Complete and utter morons.
Imagine the cheek of it, you asking people to actually do the job they were hired to do, oh the injustice....A**holes...total idiots.
What in the name of.................!!! At least the management is behind you Mel - with any luck she will be sacked for gross misconduct and the others given warnings!
Uh - I can't really say HALF of what I'd like to say in a family-friendly environment! Sheesh! If I could cough up the plane fare and appropriate paperwork, I'd be on your doorstep soonest and applying to take the idjit's place :). Micromanaging indeed {snort}. You're such a nervy boss - expecting people to do their jobs! Heh... perhaps if she actually did her job as she's supposed to, she wouldn't have to be "micromanaged"!
Lots of good thoughts headed your way....
The accusation from micromanagement came because for the past two weeks, we've called all the staff in to Bill's office, one at a time around 10am each morning and asked two questions:
How many records did you catalogue yesterday?
Do *you* think that was a productive day?
As somebody who has been micromanaged (i.e. had a supervisor who spent all day walking from one staff member to another, standing over their shoulders and watching them work) the whole idea is laughable - I can't wait to watch the unions turn on them for making the unions look like fools.
As for yesterday's storming out and tears? There's going to be more tears when she discovers her docked paycheck !
But bloody hell - I thought I had left all the children behind in story time ..... honestly!
Oh and the actual task that caused the tears yesterday? When we buy books in bulk we also get the cataloguing records delivered in electronic format. The task? To once-a-week upload the records into our database.
A 10 minute job, that a person off the street could do, following the monkey-see procedures I had written out.
This woman volunteered for the job, did it once and then has conned other staff members into doing it for her every week since. This week I put my foot down.
Honestly these people sic the unions onto me while I'm away and cannot defend myself and they wonder why I get tough when I return .....
My blog is a family-friendly environment? Why didn't anyone tell me ???????
My new library is opening in April - shall I see if they still have openings :) :) :) :) The commute might be a problem, but you could always move closer!!
Sure! As long as they will pay my relocation costs?
How far away from Virgina Tech are you? That's where the other prestigious Rare Books School is held every year ....
Its a pity some people dont know when they are well off. What on earth do your staff have to complain about? Good job, warm surroundings and an absolute doddle of a job. Even at my advanced age I could leave them all standing.... I'd be tempted to get them all together and ask them if they thought I was a bit hard on them. When they said Yes I'd reply "Well folks, you ain't seen nothing yet" walk out slowly leaving them to digest the message. Who knows, they could leave, which would mean we could all apply for their jobs. LOL
6 hour drive, roughly :)
{grin} No, but it was the only excuse I could think of at the moment? I'm afraid that yesterday was one of those days where if I had started in the vein my thoughts were going in, I may not have stopped. Not conducive for the office environment here, should it have gone from my fingers to my vocal cords {wink}.
I know those days :(
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