So glad you are back safe and sound and most everything got sorted. Ignore vClaire and float around on that blissful pink cloud for as long as you can!
There is a nice fresh Belgian bun here for you. I will let her speak in her own time and tell if she wants to, not that I not dying of curiosity or anything......
Depends on your opinion on the whole matter as whether the discussions were "good".
Discussions were had. We each have a greater understanding of what the other person wants and needs in a relationship and what we are and are not willing to compromise. I was also informed of a certain impulsiveness to the original proposal, so after all discussions were concluded Sunday night I placed the whole thing in his lap and said well given all the caveats and compromises we can and cannot reach, I give it all to you. If you wish to still get married after all of this, then ask me again. Ask me now that we both have all the pertinent facts.
He decided to leave things as they are (back to just friends as if the whole Proposal was an episode from Dynasty) and consider re-visiting the issue in July. So in typical y-chromosome fashion he either acts impulsively or he runs a million miles from from such an emotionally charged issue.
He still has no idea why I spent the rest of the Sunday night and Monday in tears.
The purpose of the trip was fulfilled. I now know where things stand. Disappointment was always a high probability - it is still a bitter pill to swallow.
Claire- I responded to every single txt I received - I don't remember seeing any from you. Mostly just mum and Alison discussing practicalities for the trip home.
Mariann and Karen - thanks! It hurts but at least I understand more of where his head is at and in some ways I understand more about myself and why we both feel so emotional about one particular issue - I can understand where we are each coming from. That makes everything more understandable.
I'll just go back to protecting my heart more and I wont get into these situations in the first place :)
I hope they haven't melted by the time they get here, LOL! It's VERY hot here. I'm sitting in my air conditioned bedroom. The dog doesn't even want to go out for long.
{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}} I'll admit I was hoping for a different answer. BUT, big issues are big issues, and as you say, I guess it's better to know how things stand beforehand... doesn't make it feel at all any better. {sigh}
I'll second Claire's "Men suck".... there's just no way around that, even for the best of them! (And I know they have similar conversations/thoughts about us, but it's more satisfying to ignore that part!)
He's not a moron - and he wont lie to me (well not intentional bald-faced lying anyway). We just both want different things and we both don't want to get hurt and we don't appear to be able to come to a compromise on that that wont make one of us feel hurt. Its a difference in ideology I guess.
More questions to add to the list for the next one to come along :) And at least I have learned one thing - I actually *am* prepared to get married again in the right set of circumstances. That's something that surprised me.
I'm glad you had your conversations now, as hurtful as it turned out. It's way better now than to find yourself in a relationship where you are morally/idealogically compromised (sounding like the voice of experience here) Stick to your convictions - you'll be far happier alone with them, than somewhere else compromised. Big hugs to you.
And you will have a RAK coming from me as well. I was waiting for something to arrive in the mail and it got here yesterday. Sorry things did not work out better for you. I have only ever been passionately attracted to one man, and it wasn't DH. I am not sure it was love, but I certainly was in lust with him. I was dating DH and the fear of losing one and possibly being rejected by the other kept me where I was. I did the 'safe' thing and never told my hottie how I felt. We were just friends. Now he and I are married to other people and while I don't truly regret never approaching him, I do wonder what might have been. You were brave enough to put your heart out there, and now you know. It might hurt like heck, but at least you know.
So sorry Mel, but it certainly sounds like you are handling it well and have taken this as another growing experience. Just when I think I am in a safe place with life, you get upside the head with another dilemma. We all grow and become better people for the adversity we have to deal with. It's nice to know that you are ready for marriage again and a real commitment where there is nothing held back!
Well, the weekend was at least a learning curve and as you say, you did find out that you are prepared to re-marry given the right circumstances.
You had a nasty knockback and are quite rightly feeling down but dont get withdrawn into yourself and depressed. Get on with life, look forward to July and take each day as it comes sweetie.
That is such a common scenario honey :) :) I see so many people in that boat ... I think I got married the first time because of that too. He was a safe option. I didn't necessarily think he was perfect, but he was what I had. What if I rejected him and then never found another ??? Now I'm a different person. I'm also older.
You were very young too then. Who knows what decisions you would make now if DH wasn't around ......
I've also learned another thing - I need to get out of my current lifestyle. After nearly a year I have not adjusted to the whole going to bed at 9:30pm and getting up at 4:30am.
With my supervisor gone for six months I'm picking up more of the management side of the job (with no extra pay mind you) and I'm definitely working extra hours. I worked 8:00am until almost 6:00pm last night and got home an hour before bed. I can see this being the new routine for the next six months. This is not a life.
For varying reasons Perth is now off the agenda until at least October. So I think I might start job hunting in Melbourne again anyway. Just get on with the life I want .....
I do love Stephen a hell of a lot. He also seemed a godsend to get me out of my current lifestyle too. Perhaps its best if *I* get myself out of my current lifestyle and then review my feelings towards him and towards the relationship in general. Maybe this is clouding other issues.
I dunno. I'm just soooo tired I want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and just wish the world away.
Instead I'm going to be a big girl and put my shoes on, brush my teeth and go to work.
I don't ask much out of life, just enough money to have the lifestyle I want, and someone who worships me everyday .... is that really so much to ask for :) :) :)
Money is the easy one. The other is slightly more difficult. Men like that are out there albeit few and far between. I wish with all my heart that you find one.
Get off to work and make sure you tell them whose the Boss. Hugs
You may indeed have hit a very large nail on the straight on the head here. I know that I had a totally different outlook and sense of myself by the time I met J; exactly BECAUSE I had worked to get myself out of some situations on my own and knew that I would be ok on my own.
I'm probably not saying this all that well... {sigh}
I honestly thought I had worked through a lot of issues but these last couple of weeks have reminded me how much further I have to go. One issue has reared it head and slapped me straight across the face that I didn't even know existed ... and now this one too ....
ah one of these days I'll be a nice enough person for someone to love completely.
You never get used to getting up at 4:00 am. I hate it hate it hate it. In my world the sad thing is that if I have a 10 hour day I'm excited that I got to go home early!
Sorry to hear your weekend didn't go as well as you hoped. But as others have said and as you know it's better to know now than to know after things are way more messy. {{{{{ }}}}}}}
One of the meetings at work today we got informed of a change to the flex time policy. As of 1 July we can't leave work before 4pm (currently its 3pm). So now matter what I do I can never ever get home before 6:30pm.
This really annoys a lot of the more local people too because they would take that early leaving time to arrange for doctors appointments, dentists etc etc. Except for weekends I will never see my home in daylight until October .....
Mel - it really sounds like you need to get out of where you are. You know what I just went through with work and those weeks of searching are scary. I have to say though - the peace of mind that I have a better situation in 1.5 weeks keeps me going. If I can do it - you can too!!!! We'll be here to cheer you on and keep your spirits lifted!
Oh, sweetie, I know how *that* feels! It's absolutely horrid! Just in case you're working in artificial light be sure to get some additional vitamin D!!!
We can't leave before 4pm either, so in Winter I get the same problem. At least I have a fairly sunny working space!
I agree with Claire and Lyne: search again, new home or new job or even both. It's not a healthy situation, but you are in a good position when you're looking for another job from a good job!
I know what you mean when you said it, but also know this - you ARE a nice enough person for several of us to love you completely. {{Hugs}} (I know girlfriends aren't really the same as a partner, but y'all have really taught me exactly how important the are!)
And I agree - it's definitely time to start working toward getting something different for yourself - the new policy sounds like the icing on the cake!
And last but not least, I seem to find that the more I've moved forward, the more "new" issues, I've found coming up to bite me. But the good news is that the ones I've worked through come up FAR less often!
LOL !!! Yep - I don't repeat my mistakes, I find new and exciting ones to try :) :) :)
Doing much better so far today. Got home at a reasonable hour last night so I could clean up Trubs protestations from the weekend (anyone have a good method from removing the smell of cat pee from tiling grouting?)
I also managed to do some washing, ironing, made a proper dinner and watched my favourite TV show.
Just need more sleep. Getting up in the dark is for the birds and thanks to Daylight Savings I do that all year round now .....
Oh Mel, I'm sorry that things are really tough for you right now! It sounds like your at a turning point in your life and I wish you all the best in terms of coming out on top. If you're feeling shackled in your job, I think it's time to look for a new one. It sounds like your learning a lot about yourself by going through this emotional upheaval. I'm glad that you've realized that you would remarry given the right circumstances. Sending you gentle hugs and healing vibes my dear...
Miss Mel, I am *of course* so far behind on my internet reading. I think it sounds as if you had a productive weekend even if the outcome wasn't what you had hoped. You are such a strong, courageous woman and I truly admire you. It takes so much to put oneself out there and say, "Here I am, warts and all" and then hope like hell the other person is accepting enough to form a lasting attachment. Hang in there. We're all here for you, wishing we were just as courageous!
Thanks Laura - I guess what made it so easy this time is that he already knew me warts and all - in fact last time we were together it was when I had more warts (was fresh and raw from a bad marriage break-up) so when he says "I love you" or "yeah I know you". I trust him, I believe him and most of my insecurities really don't matter.
47 comments:
And that's all you wrote?? sigh....dammit woman, you know I want details...
[did you get my texts over the weekend?]
Glad to hear you're back safe
Glad to hear you're back, and I'll take the fact that you're too worn out to say more as a fairly good sign.. but it does leave one overly curious!
Sure does...the usual enquiring minds want detail....
Does Trunky want a bun, Claire? Translation for those not in on the joke - You're being nosey!
So glad you are back safe and sound and most everything got sorted. Ignore vClaire and float around on that blissful pink cloud for as long as you can!
There'd be something wrong if I weren't asking pertinent questions. It's expected of me:)
I think the Minion is sleeping....
There is a nice fresh Belgian bun here for you. I will let her speak in her own time and tell if she wants to, not that I not dying of curiosity or anything......
She should be...but, that's the best time to tease her:)
Good to see that you're back, Mel! I hope the discussions were really fruitful for both of you :-D
Otherwise I'm with Claire, curious down to the toes and further!
Depends on your opinion on the whole matter as whether the discussions were "good".
Discussions were had. We each have a greater understanding of what the other person wants and needs in a relationship and what we are and are not willing to compromise. I was also informed of a certain impulsiveness to the original proposal, so after all discussions were concluded Sunday night I placed the whole thing in his lap and said well given all the caveats and compromises we can and cannot reach, I give it all to you. If you wish to still get married after all of this, then ask me again. Ask me now that we both have all the pertinent facts.
He decided to leave things as they are (back to just friends as if the whole Proposal was an episode from Dynasty) and consider re-visiting the issue in July. So in typical y-chromosome fashion he either acts impulsively or he runs a million miles from from such an emotionally charged issue.
He still has no idea why I spent the rest of the Sunday night and Monday in tears.
The purpose of the trip was fulfilled. I now know where things stand. Disappointment was always a high probability - it is still a bitter pill to swallow.
Just one word, sweetums:
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Mel))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Well.... Rats, I guess. I'm at a loss for words. {{{{{Mel}}}}}
Claire- I responded to every single txt I received - I don't remember seeing any from you. Mostly just mum and Alison discussing practicalities for the trip home.
Mariann and Karen - thanks! It hurts but at least I understand more of where his head is at and in some ways I understand more about myself and why we both feel so emotional about one particular issue - I can understand where we are each coming from. That makes everything more understandable.
I'll just go back to protecting my heart more and I wont get into these situations in the first place :)
oh hell, I suppose at least you do know now where things are and that he is indeed, a typical moronic male at times. Men suck.
If it will make you feel any better, there's a RAK package on its way to you....
And your chocolates are boxed up and will out on the mail later in the week when I get paid.
I hope they haven't melted by the time they get here, LOL! It's VERY hot here. I'm sitting in my air conditioned bedroom. The dog doesn't even want to go out for long.
Oh dear - I don't know what to say. I'm sorry it wasn't the result we all wanted. I'm here if you need to talk!
{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}} I'll admit I was hoping for a different answer. BUT, big issues are big issues, and as you say, I guess it's better to know how things stand beforehand... doesn't make it feel at all any better. {sigh}
I'll second Claire's "Men suck".... there's just no way around that, even for the best of them! (And I know they have similar conversations/thoughts about us, but it's more satisfying to ignore that part!)
He's not a moron - and he wont lie to me (well not intentional bald-faced lying anyway). We just both want different things and we both don't want to get hurt and we don't appear to be able to come to a compromise on that that wont make one of us feel hurt. Its a difference in ideology I guess.
More questions to add to the list for the next one to come along :) And at least I have learned one thing - I actually *am* prepared to get married again in the right set of circumstances. That's something that surprised me.
If nothing else Mel I'm glad you learned more about yourself and what you want or don't want. That's a good thing!
Thanks sweetpea !!!!
I'm glad you had your conversations now, as hurtful as it turned out. It's way better now than to find yourself in a relationship where you are morally/idealogically compromised (sounding like the voice of experience here) Stick to your convictions - you'll be far happier alone with them, than somewhere else compromised. Big hugs to you.
And you will have a RAK coming from me as well. I was waiting for something to arrive in the mail and it got here yesterday. Sorry things did not work out better for you. I have only ever been passionately attracted to one man, and it wasn't DH. I am not sure it was love, but I certainly was in lust with him. I was dating DH and the fear of losing one and possibly being rejected by the other kept me where I was. I did the 'safe' thing and never told my hottie how I felt. We were just friends. Now he and I are married to other people and while I don't truly regret never approaching him, I do wonder what might have been. You were brave enough to put your heart out there, and now you know. It might hurt like heck, but at least you know.
So sorry Mel, but it certainly sounds like you are handling it well and have taken this as another growing experience. Just when I think I am in a safe place with life, you get upside the head with another dilemma. We all grow and become better people for the adversity we have to deal with. It's nice to know that you are ready for marriage again and a real commitment where there is nothing held back!
Well, the weekend was at least a learning curve and as you say, you did find out that you are prepared to re-marry given the right circumstances.
You had a nasty knockback and are quite rightly feeling down but dont get withdrawn into yourself and depressed. Get on with life, look forward to July and take each day as it comes sweetie.
Hugs to you
That is such a common scenario honey :) :) I see so many people in that boat ... I think I got married the first time because of that too. He was a safe option. I didn't necessarily think he was perfect, but he was what I had. What if I rejected him and then never found another ??? Now I'm a different person. I'm also older.
You were very young too then. Who knows what decisions you would make now if DH wasn't around ......
Thanks everyone :)
I've also learned another thing - I need to get out of my current lifestyle. After nearly a year I have not adjusted to the whole going to bed at 9:30pm and getting up at 4:30am.
With my supervisor gone for six months I'm picking up more of the management side of the job (with no extra pay mind you) and I'm definitely working extra hours. I worked 8:00am until almost 6:00pm last night and got home an hour before bed. I can see this being the new routine for the next six months. This is not a life.
For varying reasons Perth is now off the agenda until at least October. So I think I might start job hunting in Melbourne again anyway. Just get on with the life I want .....
Good for you. The long hours you are working plus all the travelling are not conducive to happiness.
Melbourne sounds a good choice.
I do love Stephen a hell of a lot. He also seemed a godsend to get me out of my current lifestyle too. Perhaps its best if *I* get myself out of my current lifestyle and then review my feelings towards him and towards the relationship in general. Maybe this is clouding other issues.
I dunno. I'm just soooo tired I want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and just wish the world away.
Instead I'm going to be a big girl and put my shoes on, brush my teeth and go to work.
I don't ask much out of life, just enough money to have the lifestyle I want, and someone who worships me everyday .... is that really so much to ask for :) :) :)
Money is the easy one. The other is slightly more difficult. Men like that are out there albeit few and far between. I wish with all my heart that you find one.
Get off to work and make sure you tell them whose the Boss.
Hugs
And if you find one, see if he's got an older brother who likes temporarily-married women with funny accents :)
You may indeed have hit a very large nail on the straight on the head here. I know that I had a totally different outlook and sense of myself by the time I met J; exactly BECAUSE I had worked to get myself out of some situations on my own and knew that I would be ok on my own.
I'm probably not saying this all that well... {sigh}
You're saying it fine honey.
I honestly thought I had worked through a lot of issues but these last couple of weeks have reminded me how much further I have to go. One issue has reared it head and slapped me straight across the face that I didn't even know existed ... and now this one too ....
ah one of these days I'll be a nice enough person for someone to love completely.
even if its a younger brother honey - as long as he's not too young :)
You never get used to getting up at 4:00 am. I hate it hate it hate it. In my world the sad thing is that if I have a 10 hour day I'm excited that I got to go home early!
Sorry to hear your weekend didn't go as well as you hoped. But as others have said and as you know it's better to know now than to know after things are way more messy. {{{{{ }}}}}}}
One of the meetings at work today we got informed of a change to the flex time policy. As of 1 July we can't leave work before 4pm (currently its 3pm). So now matter what I do I can never ever get home before 6:30pm.
This really annoys a lot of the more local people too because they would take that early leaving time to arrange for doctors appointments, dentists etc etc. Except for weekends I will never see my home in daylight until October .....
Definitely time to move elsewhere...another job, another home, another life....grab it honey while you can.
Mel - it really sounds like you need to get out of where you are. You know what I just went through with work and those weeks of searching are scary. I have to say though - the peace of mind that I have a better situation in 1.5 weeks keeps me going. If I can do it - you can too!!!! We'll be here to cheer you on and keep your spirits lifted!
Oh, sweetie, I know how *that* feels! It's absolutely horrid! Just in case you're working in artificial light be sure to get some additional vitamin D!!!
We can't leave before 4pm either, so in Winter I get the same problem. At least I have a fairly sunny working space!
I agree with Claire and Lyne: search again, new home or new job or even both. It's not a healthy situation, but you are in a good position when you're looking for another job from a good job!
I know what you mean when you said it, but also know this - you ARE a nice enough person for several of us to love you completely. {{Hugs}} (I know girlfriends aren't really the same as a partner, but y'all have really taught me exactly how important the are!)
And I agree - it's definitely time to start working toward getting something different for yourself - the new policy sounds like the icing on the cake!
And last but not least, I seem to find that the more I've moved forward, the more "new" issues, I've found coming up to bite me. But the good news is that the ones I've worked through come up FAR less often!
LOL !!! Yep - I don't repeat my mistakes, I find new and exciting ones to try :) :) :)
Doing much better so far today. Got home at a reasonable hour last night so I could clean up Trubs protestations from the weekend (anyone have a good method from removing the smell of cat pee from tiling grouting?)
I also managed to do some washing, ironing, made a proper dinner and watched my favourite TV show.
Just need more sleep. Getting up in the dark is for the birds and thanks to Daylight Savings I do that all year round now .....
Oh Mel, I'm sorry that things are really tough for you right now! It sounds like your at a turning point in your life and I wish you all the best in terms of coming out on top. If you're feeling shackled in your job, I think it's time to look for a new one. It sounds like your learning a lot about yourself by going through this emotional upheaval. I'm glad that you've realized that you would remarry given the right circumstances. Sending you gentle hugs and healing vibes my dear...
Miss Mel, I am *of course* so far behind on my internet reading. I think it sounds as if you had a productive weekend even if the outcome wasn't what you had hoped. You are such a strong, courageous woman and I truly admire you. It takes so much to put oneself out there and say, "Here I am, warts and all" and then hope like hell the other person is accepting enough to form a lasting attachment. Hang in there. We're all here for you, wishing we were just as courageous!
Thanks Laura - I guess what made it so easy this time is that he already knew me warts and all - in fact last time we were together it was when I had more warts (was fresh and raw from a bad marriage break-up) so when he says "I love you" or "yeah I know you". I trust him, I believe him and most of my insecurities really don't matter.
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