This is emo stuff so feel free to delete without reading.
In the last few days, for varying reasons, depression has reared up and slapped me in the face again.
I'm coping with life as best I can - but that's not really saying much. I'm just riding the session out until thing get better.
Part of that is that I haven't been very communicative with anyone except to return emails or txts that are sent directly to me.
Part of depression for me is the desperate need to reach out, to rail at the deities and *demand* I need a hug !!! I need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me that everything is alright and I'm not really a bad person.
At the same time I'm sooo scared of reaching to anyone, to talk to anyone because well face it, who really wants to talk to someone crying down the phone at you .... and the rebuff would just make everything worse.
So instead of reaching out, I stare at the phone and cry for hours - stupid huh ???
I have nothing truly terrible going on in my life, I have no-one dying, I have a job I have a wage I have a roof over my head.
Some hassles have just all converged together in the last few days and its all gotten on top of me. I'll ride this out and be fine in a few days or a week as per normal.
I'm writing this now for two reasons: One to apologise for any odd behaviour or if I've been distant lately. And two, I wanted to see if I was actually brave enough to blog about this. I do get depression, especially when I don't get a weekly endorphin and cuddle fix, which I'm not and don't foresee getting for a long long while.
I know people love the happy bouncy Tigger Mel - well this is the other side that I never talk about. This is the dark sister that visits occasionally and I just have to wait for her to go away.
Off for a shower and thence to work - I hope so very fervently that today is better than yesterday. Anyone have a spare winning Lotto ticket lying around? Or a tall blond?
Many hugs to my friends and again I apologise for not being the happy bouncy Mel you all know and love. Sh'ell be back at some point - hopefully soon.
23 comments:
Mel - I have struggled with bouts, and gotten help - please feel free to call and cry to me over the phone!
Well, gee - I wish I could help, or be there to give you a hug! I have no sage advice, but know that I'm here for any moral support I can provide :) Sure wish my cell had a reasonable texting plan....
BIG HUGS MEL!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs. I like both the bouncy and the dark Tigger Mel.
I have never had to deal with depression, but I certainly hope that you can get yourself back up and not stay in this funk for long. We don't need you to be bouncy all the time, just want you to feel good about yourself! I text all the time and have unlimited. Are there charges for international texting????
Thanks everyone. Karen, I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing you ca do :) There's nothing anyone can do - I just need to ride it out until I start looking at the bright side of life again {earworm} !!!
Thanks AJ - unfortunately I *don't* like Dark Tigger Mel - she's depressing and weepy, she does no housework or any stitching - she just mopes around and cries. Useless I tell ya !!!
Grin! Depends on your plan and your provider - I wouldn't have a clue :)
Well the dark Mel can't be all bad as she finished my RR.....Damn girl, you know I'm here. I don't care if you cry down the phone at me, the ears are here for you.
We always end up laughing even if we start out crying.
I will do my very best to call you from Mum's tomorrow...gonna charge the mobile right now so it's full.
[hard part is remembering you're now 9hrs ahead instead of the usual 11hrs...]
The "dark Mel" is a part of the happy bouncy Mel that we all love... I've not experienced much of the "darker" side of ME yet but I've seen it lately in my George and am always at loss of words to help get him out of the "darkness". He does that himself as I know you will as well. Just know that we love you in the "darkness" as well as in the "light". YOU be IT girl......
Thanks everyone - I am *definitely* back on the upswing. Not there - but not in the pits of despair any more. we'll see how I get through tonight - its when I am on my own that the loneliness really gets to me - I am busy enough to get past it mostly at work ......
Just acknowledging that I'm having hassles and that things are getting to me I think is part of the "getting over it" process.
I didn't really expect tea and sympathy or for you guys to feel you need to do something - it was more about me actually "publicly" acknowledging that I'm going through a rough patch and to explain this to you all.
But thank you all for your kind words - you all mean so much to me - and I don't care if we've never met - you are still my friends !!!
And thanks to mum who sent me a cryptic txt which I think translates to "I've put some money in your account. Buy some chocolate at lunch."
Thanks everyone - when you feel this down its so hard to reach out - but any kind word or deed is helpful - even if it appears to be rebuffed on the surface :)
Most people have a darker side to them of which they never speak, even me! I never had a real depression though, not in any clinical form, so I really can't feel what you feel, sweetie, but know this that as long as you *know* it will pass, as long as you *know* you only need to reach out and have at least a telecommunicative response you will be able to keep that darker person in you at bay.
And what does Moony say in Prisoner of Azkaban? Chocolate heals all, it works especially good against the Dementors that are torturing you right now!
Well that is what the dementers are :) :) :) And yes chocolate works for the minor stuff - talking about it and acknowledges it helps raise a great weight and aids healing too ....
Mel I think you are very brave to speak up like this. I suffer from depression also, and usually when I am on the dark side, I can't speak to anyone, so I know how hard this must have been for you to write. No real advice for you I'm afraid (I wish I had some for myself), but I'm glad to see you feel you may be coming out of it now.
Thanks Somayya, it was incredibly difficult to blog about this - but not as hard as picking up the phone. I could not call anyone, but thankfully a couple of people (including my mum) knew that something was a little off and rang me ....
I think I'll be OK for a while now .... its now Friday night and I don't have to worry about work (which is the bulk of the stress) until Monday morning. One of the other personal issues got sorted out today too - so yeah I'm definitely on the up ....
I'm eating properly tonight too - fresh calamari with baked vegetables and a glass of white wine ....
I know what you mean by it being incredibly hard to "just" pick up the phone when in the "darker side" of a you. I find, especially of recent times, it so much easier to sit in front of the computer with my blog in front of me and speaking the words that i'd find difficult to say to someone, no matter how good a friend, on the phone. I think the fact that we can say what we feel, in writing, helps in so many ways. I find that I can be more articulate in my feelings by writing them out than I can in trying to speak them. As much as it might seem that I am a "incessant talker" I really AM NOT. So Mel I fully understand where you're coming from on this matter.... It is a good way to get off you "chest" what needs getting off and also a way of, maybe, understanding a bit more of what you ARE going through. Again I bring up George and his depressions of late. No matter what I can say to him it doesn't help him unless he can "see the light" (oh all these cliche's) and help himself. Beside with him he hasn't listened to me in 38 years that we've been together I hardly think he's going to start now. LOL...YOU know YOU best. AND you appear to be a mighty strong person....whether you think so all the time or not. Just write out what you feel you need to....HEY isn't that what blogs are all about?
Just sending you huge hugs Mel - bouncy like Tigger or down like Eeyore we still love you!
Well, it's probably further proof that we were separated at birth... but when I get down, I pull myself in in exactly the same way that you're talking about. And there are times when it's too hard to even say something to J - sitting in the same room, much less pick up a phone. I'm working on being better about it.. but like you say, it can be SOOO hard - and I worry about being rebuffed the same as you do.
And like the Dragon says - Tigger-ish or Eeyore-ish, your still our Gothy and very well loved. {{hugs}}
Big Hugs to you, Mel! Aren't Mum's great? Chocolate!!! You know you can IM with me anytime, and if you just get curious and want a different ear to cry, yell, etc. into, mine's available! Email me and I'll hook you up with my numbers!! Hang in there, Mel, we love you, "just as you are".
That's the only way I could speak out this time - by putting it in writing. Usually I can just come back on in a few days when I'm the bouncy Mel and go "yeah life got on top of me for a few days - sorry about that".
But I'm tired of brushing it off, I'm tired of coming across as a selfish flake who ignores people every time I can't be bothered speaking to them (yes I've been accused of this by someone who simply did not know about my depression because I had never told them).
Thank so much for writing about George and understanding too Marc - it really helps to get confirmation of the impact this has on those nearest and dearest too .... thank you for being brave yourself.
Yup - I felt that too with my husband when I was married. But when he did see me cry he would rebuff me and tell me to "get over yourself" which I suppose just heightened the self-loathing I have in myself and the fear of rebuff with everyone else ..... amazing the sheer amount of emotional baggage we carry around
I've not had a partner since who wouldn't get concerned and hold me when I cry (if they are around to see it) - because its such a rare thing I guess - but the fear is always still there .....!
Cyber hugs coming your way.. Foertunately Mike is one of those who love to hug so I consider myself blessed but know where you are coming from. I had 14 years of it before I met him.
Good to see that you can at least now write it down which I am sure helps. Hopefully this bout will soon pass and you'll be bouncing again.
Its definitely passING ....thanks so much .....
*huggles* Writing about it and talking about it are perfect things for you to be doing. I suffer from depression as well and mostly the meds do their job but there are just some days where... oy! Hang in there and feel free to demand hugs!
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